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Doing Comedy High On Mushrooms | Josh Wolf Stand-Up Comedy

A 38 minute standup set filmed in Portland where Josh Wolf performs high on mushrooms in a loose question and answer format, with his son Jacob onstage as both straight man and caretaker. He rebuilds his best stories: swearing in front of his mom at his first show at 15, the front row wrestler who dared him to lift a kilt, three fights with Jacob that end in a boxing ring and a wax salon, and the family porn rental he still blames on Grandma and Grandpa. Between the filth he lands a genuinely sincere tip speech for the waitstaff, drawn from a life in the food and beverage industry. The running joke is his own memory: he keeps losing the thread and Jacob keeps handing it back, so the callbacks pay off because he forgot he set them up.

Published Jul 29, 2024 38:15 video 24 min read Added Jul 7, 2026 Open on YouTube →

At a glance

This is a 38 minute set filmed for Josh Wolf's channel, and it is a mushroom show: a loose, question and answer format where Wolf walks on in Portland already dosed on psilocybin and lets the crowd drive. His son and touring partner Jacob works the room with him, half straight man and half caretaker, cueing the guitar, chasing down water, and reminding a very high dad which story he was in the middle of. The bits are filthy and fully built: the night he first swore in front of his mom at 15, the kilt wearing wrestler who dared him to look, three fights with Jacob that end in a boxing ring and a wax salon, a genuinely sincere tip speech for the waitstaff, and the family porn rental he has spent years pinning on Grandma and Grandpa.

The engine of the whole show is memory loss played for laughs. Wolf keeps losing the thread, Jacob keeps handing it back, and the callbacks land precisely because he forgot he set them up. What follows is the set rebuilt in order, bit by bit, with the premises, the tags, and the punchlines kept intact.

The setup: a mushroom show with a copilot

The set opens mid fumble. Wolf cannot find his water, then finds it, then admits he "forgot how to do that for a second." He is toasty and says so. There is no cold open bit and no crowd warm up. Instead he throws it straight to the room: "Does anybody have any questions?" That is the format for the night. He has done this online, the audience knows the rules, and the only rule is that you raise your hand.

Two housekeeping jokes set the tone before the first real story. Someone asks where the guitar is. Wolf explains that on mushroom shows he does not bring the guitar out because he is never sure he can still play it, "but I feel pretty good tonight." Then he takes his jacket off, hears the room whispering, and pins the sound: "Sounds like someone getting fingered at a Foo Fighters show." That single line tells you the register of the whole hour: quick, filthy, and built out of whatever is physically happening in front of him.

0:00Water break. Wolf loses and finds his own water, admits he is toasty, opens the floor for questions.
2:09The first live show. Fifteen years old, knees shaking, parents driving, and the first swear in front of Mom.
6:10The kilt guy. A front row wrestler in a kilt dares him to look, and Wolf refuses to be out alphaed.
11:36The mushrooms kick in. The guitar cue misfires, and Wolf realizes he is in a conversation "that you and I never had."
12:47Boxing and the family tussle. Jacob comes onstage to help tell the last two of their three fights.
20:42Fitness realizations. An in shape 50 year old loses to an out of shape 26 year old, and the loser gets waxed.
21:21The wax. The mound, the blowout, and a butthole tough enough that the esthetician cannot legally comment.
23:50Comedy club insights. Why your first drink was slow and why waiting tables here is nearly impossible.
26:04The tip speech. A sincere island: minimal effort, maximum return, for the waitstaff.
27:24High on mushrooms. Water from strangers, weed from Trevor, and Jacob too weak to open a bottle.
29:28Audience Q&A. Bowl of sausages, the wax position, and the spectrum of Portland.
35:17Confronting the parents. Anal Party 3, the $200 offer, and a lifetime of blaming Grandma and Grandpa.

Figure 1. The running order of the whole set, using the video's own chapter marks. Every timestamp is clickable and seeks the player. The night is a Q&A, so the "chapters" are really the questions the room threw and the stories they pulled loose.

The reason the show holds together despite the chaos is the machine underneath it. A question comes up from the crowd, Wolf launches into a story, the mushrooms pull him off the road, Jacob steps in to reel him back, and a callback lands late as the punchline. Then the loop starts again. Once you see the shape, every derailment reads as part of the act rather than a break in it.

Figure 2. The structure of the act. Because Wolf is genuinely high, the derailment is not a risk to the show, it is the show. Jacob functions as the reset button, and the reset is where most of the biggest laughs live.

"Tell the story of your first show": swearing in front of Mom

The first question pulls out the origin story. The first time Wolf went on stage he was 15 years old, and because he could not drive, his parents took him. They were proud. His mom brought one of those old cameras, "not just one but like probably 30 of you know those" that go z click, and every two seconds on the drive over he heard it fire again.

He has never been more nervous in his life, and he knows it because he remembers his knees literally shaking. His dad, sensing it, gave him an out at the door: "Hey, you don't got to do this." Wolf's answer was that his name was on the list and they were staying. His private math was simple. The worst thing that can happen is that I suck, and I am going to suck anyway, so do it.

Then comes the wardrobe, which he insists you picture. Acid wash chains tucked into white high top Pony sneakers, a fresh mullet, a mesh shirt, and a thick silver chain. It was the 80s. He walks on stage with his parents right up front, his mom clicking away, and delivers his very first opening line: "Hey everybody, I'm Josh, I'm 15 years old, I'm super nervous to be here, my mom and dad are here, this is the first fucking time I'll be able to swear in front of my fucking mom." The camera stopped. Not one more click the whole show. The set was quiet. The car ride home was silent. His dad got out and delivered the tag: "You're going to have to find your own ride next time." Young Josh: "Yeah, I got you."

The bit has a second half that reframes the first. His mom still comes to every show and fake laughs through all of it. So he now works blue on purpose when she is in the room, because she will laugh no matter what, and he gets "such weird pleasure out of watching her laugh at stuff that she hates." Her passive aggressive note afterward is always the same: "Why don't you ever tell some of those stories that I like so much?" His answer, and the button on the whole bit: "You mean the ones minus the scene? Yeah, those ones."

The kilt guy: challenging the wrong comic

The next question is a request for a specific story the room has clearly heard about: the kilt guy. A man once came to a show in Dallas wearing a kilt and sat in the front row, then came back to a second show still in it. Wolf's operating theory, stated as fact: "If you're wearing a kilt and sitting in the front row of a comedy show, you want someone to talk to you."

So he engages. The guy says he wrestles in East Texas, has red hair, and does "the whole leprechaun thing." Not wrestling tonight. When Wolf presses on the kilt, the guy gestures at his own lap and says it "gets a little sticky down here in Dallas." Wolf's aside: "You didn't need to do that, dude. You could have just said sticky, I get it." But now he is curious, so he asks if the guy is going commando. The guy delivers the line he says he tells everybody: "You got to lift it up to find out."

That is the wrong dare to hand this particular comic. Wolf's whole pitch back to him: "You tell me I can lift that kilt, see a human dick, and make this whole room uncomfortable, that's my jam, man." The guy escalates, spreads his legs, says "get in there, dude," clearly trying to alpha the host at his own show. Wolf will not be alphaed. He drops to his knees and explains the angle professionally: "From my experience this is the best angle to see a dick." The guy adds a condition, "you have to keep eye contact with me the whole time," and Wolf mutters, "this fucking guy," while staring him down.

Then a kilt lesson. There are two sides. One side lifts to reveal only more kilt. The guy nods at the other side and says, "Might bury the treasure on the other side." Here Wolf tips his own hand about why he plays these out: "I love playing practical jokes on people, I also like to get got, it's part of the deal." Right before he lifts, the wrestler winks at him, and Wolf's heart sinks: "Oh, I hate you so much." He lifts. It is a real one. A redheaded one, "so bright down there," a color like "somebody just smacked it once." And the closing tag, delivered as a full appraisal: "All potatoes no meat. His dick looked like it fell asleep on his nuts."

The decoy bomb, the three fights, and Jacob onstage

A follow up question asks about "Jacob's decoy bomb," a prank Jacob once pulled that Wolf fell for. Did he fall for it twice? No, once, one time, no follow up. Jacob is a grown up now, he smokes, and "he might smoke more weird than I do." Wolf is proud of him, "not because of the weed," just proud.

The next question is the pivot of the night: did he ever fight any of his other sons? No, Jacob is the only one who ever challenged him, and they have fought three times. This is where the mushrooms visibly arrive. Wolf mutters "they're kicking in," and calls Jacob onstage to help tell the last two fights.

What follows is a long stretch of pure father and son bickering, and it is some of the best material because it is real. Jacob walks out with the guitar. Wolf says he should have brought that up ten minutes ago. Jacob points out that Wolf just asked for it. Wolf tries to reconstruct the conversation, fails, and lands on the honest diagnosis: "Dude, I'm so high, I think I was in the middle of a conversation that you and I never had." Jacob: "I think you were in the middle of a conversation with yourself." Wolf frames the entire dynamic for the crowd: "This is what I meant by I'm the parent on the road. I got to get his stuff together, make sure he's alive." The irony that he is the one on mushrooms is the joke, and it keeps paying out. When Jacob narrates too fast, Wolf begs him to slow down, "I can barely follow you." When Jacob talks down to him, Wolf snaps, "Stop talking to me like I'm 8 years old," and Jacob fires back, "Based on what I'm seeing in the last five minutes, you are an 8 year old right now."

Under the bickering, the fights get told:

The boxing round with the throw up feint. They put on headgear and gloves in a ring. Freddie Prinze Jr., a jiujitsu freak and former boxer, had challenged Wolf first, so Wolf fought three rounds with Freddie, then Jacob wanted his rounds "right after to try and have an advantage" while Wolf was gassed. Wolf did not know boxing was this tiring. Mid round he clinched Jacob, said, "Dude, I think I'm going to throw up," then shoved him back and punched him in the face. His defense: "I had to point his mouth somewhere else if he was going to throw up. That was a safety move." He won the round and the fight. Separately, Freddie Prinze Jr. once hit Wolf so hard he put him on the floor, which Wolf spins as touching: "It was nice to have somebody stand up for me." (There is also a recurring physical bit here about getting on his tiptoes to hug people so it does not look like slow dancing.)
The family tussle rematch. They filmed a father and son competition show called Family Tussle on YouTube, where one challenges the other and the winner makes the loser do something stupid. Wolf challenged Jacob to another boxing match. For four months Jacob trained every day, calling to brag: "I'm in the gym getting huge, I'm going to be in the best shape of my life, what are you doing about it?" Wolf took it as a challenge, and his four month training program was "smoked weed and nothing." Jacob even changed the format to one minute rounds with three minute rests, and Wolf was still gassed. The lesson, delivered as a thesis: "An in shape 50 year old is not in as good of shape as an out of shape 26 year old, not even close." Wolf's self image walking in: "Tight clothes with a beard belly, and I was like, let's rumble. I was fighting like Leonardo DiCaprio." He won.

Figure 3. The mushroom curve. The set gets steadily more unglued after the 11:36 mark, with one honest dip: the tip speech, where Wolf sobers up on purpose to say something sincere before sliding back into the porn story and the lemon he mistakes for a microphone.

The wax and the mound

The loser's punishment from the family tussle was that Wolf made Jacob get waxed, and Wolf got the full treatment too, which becomes the set's most durable running story. His public service announcement first: "For everybody who's never had it done, it did not hurt." He expected it to. And it was not just one spot, "I had to get the whole thing waxed," at which point the vocabulary problem starts. Wolf keeps calling the front area "the mound," Jacob objects, and they argue the term in real time: "The more you say it, I still get it less." Someone in the crowd offers that maybe it is only the mound if you are a girl, and adds that it is "you pee sitting down type" business. Wolf, exhausted, waves the white flag: "Right now I'm tired as fuck, if I had to pee right now I'd do it sitting down, no shame at all."

Later, in the Q&A, an audience member asks him to demonstrate the position he was in when they waxed him. He obliges, "arch that back," and reveals the staging: the esthetician was on one side and the cameraman on the other, so the only open spot for Jacob was directly in the line of sight, "the good morning and good evening and good night spot." Wolf's verdict on watching his dad get waxed from that angle: "It was like Good Morning Vietnam, cuz I for sure had PTSD after that."

There is a final tag he could not resist at the salon. Because it did not hurt, he genuinely asked the esthetician, "Do I have a pretty tough butthole?" The man's reply, which Wolf treats as an official ruling: "I'm not allowed to answer that question, legally." When a follow up question in the crowd tries to ask about the bleaching process, Wolf calls it out as a fishing expedition and describes the result anyway, "his stuff turning into a chameleon," before pretending he knows nothing about the process.

Behind the drinks: the waitstaff and a sincere tip speech

Wolf zooms out into a stretch of actual working class comedy, and it is where the set briefly turns warm. He grew up without much, and at 13 his dad made him get his first job washing dishes, which he did from age 13 to 16. Counting comedy clubs, the food and beverage industry is the only industry he has ever worked in, so he speaks for the staff with standing.

First, a defense of the servers. If you have waited tables, you have never waited them "in a dark room where you can't use your full voice and you have to bend over to do your job." Then the timing problem, explained mechanically: a restaurant seats two, takes two drink orders, seats two more. A comedy club seats everyone at once, so 250 drink orders hit the bar in the same instant. "Somebody's first, somebody's last, that's just how it is. Your service isn't bad, you just got shitty luck." At a normal restaurant tables are staggered so service can breathe. Here every customer sits and wants service at the same time, which makes the job "an impossibility." They are working as hard as they possibly can.

Then the tip speech, and he is careful about who it is for. If tonight is a big night out that you saved for, he is explicitly not talking to you, and he means it, because he has been there. He is talking to the people with a couple extra dollars in their pocket, "because I am now blessed enough to be one of you." His argument is about ease, not guilt: he knows how easy it is for someone in that position to leave a 30 percent tip, or to jump the number to 20 or 40 dollars on top, because it would be easy for him now too. "Minimal effort, maximum return, is what we're supposed to be doing for each other." He caps it with a real ask for a round of applause for the waitstaff. It is the one stretch of the hour that is not trying to be filthy, and the mushroom curve dips right along with it.

Water from strangers, weed from Trevor

The show snaps back into chaos over a water bottle. Wolf needs water, cannot get the staff's attention, and calls out to a staffer named Sandy, who is "also on mushrooms." A fresh bottle appears. This triggers a small ethics bit: he takes water from a stranger in the crowd, someone points out you should not, and Wolf agrees it is "just good policy," then undercuts it. He already takes food from strangers, and he already takes drugs from strangers, because "every drug dealer is a stranger until you meet them."

That opens his favorite thing about legal weed: you no longer have to go to your dealer's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours to get served. "Just give me my weed, Trevor." The bit closes on a physical gag at Jacob's expense. Jacob gets weak when he is high, so opening a water bottle or a bag of chips becomes a real event. Jacob yawns, which Wolf reads as a sign he is about to get higher, and when Jacob finally cracks the bottle open, Wolf gives him a full "round of applause for Josh Wolf, ladies and gentlemen."

Open the floor: the Portland Q&A

Wolf formally opens the floor, restating the one rule: raise your hand or get ignored, "I'm pretty fucking high" and cannot track blurts. The questions come in and each one becomes its own micro bit.

Bowl of sausages. Wolf mishears an audience member, thinks they said "bowl of sausages," rules out Frosted Flakes ("I'm on mushrooms, I don't want any of that"), and decides "bowl of sausages" is a great band name. He would see them at Coachella. It "sounds like a band from Portland." He then invents an entire fake bio for the band on the spot: actually they are an all girl group, no wait, they only play Germany, a local German band that does not stray much outside the country, the kind of name Germans would line up for.
The wax position. The demonstration described above, with the "good morning, good evening, good night spot" and the Good Morning Vietnam callback.
Do the other kids ever tour with you? A nice, wholesome question from a wife and mother, arriving right after a crude one, which lets Wolf frame the crowd: "That's about the spectrum of Portland right there," a very nice mother on one side and "some sick stuff over here in a DARE shirt" on the other.
The tough butthole ruling and the bleaching follow up, both covered in the wax section, land here in the room.

Anal Party 3: the porn that was never his

The last big question is whether he ever confronted his parents about a rented porn. The story is a masterclass in refusing to win by settling. At his wit's end, his dad came home and offered to just pay for it to end the fight: "It was $200 worth of porn, even if you didn't do it I'll pay for it, I'll give you $200 just to say that you didn't. I just want to be right."

Wolf countered with a better deal. "I'll pay for it if you call your mom right now and ask her if she ordered Anal Party 3." His dad's immediate answer was "absolutely not." So Wolf simply said, "Well, it was Grandma and Grandpa," and shut his door. From then on it stopped being about who did it and became a joke he ran on his father, who could not look at his own mother without picturing it.

The tag is his mom, who to this day brings it up and never gets the title right, asking, "Do people really think that I ordered Anal Yard 4?" There is no Anal Yard 4. Wolf's plea: "First, stop making eye contact when you're talking to me about this." He closes the bit by polling the room, a round of applause for people who think he ordered it, then a round of applause for people who blame Grandma and Grandpa, and busts a heckler in the back: "Don't thumbs down me, I saw you." Jacob's final note, which ends the reconstruction where it started, on Wolf being too high to operate: "You're talking into a lemon, not the mic." Wolf agrees it is time to try the guitar, "cuz I don't know what's going to happen up here," and asks to go pee.

Key takeaways

The premise is the format. Being high on mushrooms is not a one liner here, it is the show's operating system. The Q&A structure exists so the crowd can supply a thread whenever Wolf drops one.
Jacob is the secret weapon. The father and son dynamic, with the actual high dad cast as "the parent on the road," is the richest running bit. Jacob as stenographer and caretaker turns Wolf's memory failures into reliable laughs.
Callbacks over setups. The strongest structure of the night is accidental. Wolf forgets the wax story twice and it gets funnier each time it is dragged back, because forgetting the setup makes the callback feel earned.
He earns the filth with sincerity. The tip speech and the waitstaff defense are genuinely heartfelt and give the crude material somewhere to push off from. The set is dirty, but it is not cynical.
Total commitment to a bit. Whether it is kneeling to inspect a stranger's kilt or building a fake German band's touring history, Wolf follows every premise all the way to the end rather than tagging out early.

Running thread	Where it starts	How it keeps coming back
The wax story	Told once as Jacob's punishment for losing the boxing match (around 21:00)	Wolf forgets it twice; Jacob keeps hauling him back with "for the second time in a row, getting your shit waxed." payoff by forgetting
"What were we talking about?"	The first real derail after the guitar mix up (around 13:00)	Becomes the show's metronome. Jacob plays stenographer every time the thread snaps. the engine
The guitar	Teased early: he might play "because I feel pretty good tonight" (0:44)	Debated, delayed, mis cued, and finally called at the very end when he admits he has no idea what will happen. pays off last
The water bottle	Opening confusion over his own water (0:00)	Returns as physical comedy: a too high Jacob can barely crack a fresh bottle, earning a mock ovation. callback
The mound	The waxing vocabulary fight (around 21:30)	The word Wolf will not release, resurfacing in every wax callback and the Q&A demonstration.
Portland	"Portland gives me vibes and energy" (around 17:00)	The lens on the whole crowd, capped by the "spectrum of Portland" between a wife and mother and a guy in a DARE shirt.

Figure 4. The set is built on threads Wolf keeps losing and finding. This is the ledger of the recurring gags, when each one is planted, and how it pays off, usually because he forgot he planted it.

Chapters

0:00 Water Break 2:09 First Live Show Experience 6:10 The Kilt Guy Story 11:36 The Mushrooms Kick In 12:47 Boxing Matches and Family Tussle 20:42 Boxing and Fitness Realizations 21:21 Hilarious Waxing Experience 23:50 Comedy Club Insights 26:04 Tipping Etiquette 27:24 High on Mushrooms 29:28 Audience Q&A 35:17 Confronting Parents About Porn

Notable quotes

"Sounds like someone getting fingered at a Foo Fighters show." (1:20)
"This is the first fucking time I'll be able to swear in front of my fucking mom." (4:10)
"You mean the ones minus the scene? Yeah, those ones." (5:40)
"You tell me I can lift that kilt, see a human dick, and make this whole room uncomfortable, that's my jam, man." (7:30)
"All potatoes no meat. His dick looked like it fell asleep on his nuts." (10:50)
"I think I was in the middle of a conversation that you and I never had." (13:05)
"I'm the parent on the road. I got to get his stuff together, make sure he's alive." (13:40)
"You know what I did for four months? Smoked weed and nothing." (18:40)
"An in shape 50 year old is not in as good of shape as an out of shape 26 year old, not even close." (19:40)
"If I had to pee right now I'd do it sitting down, no shame at all." (22:40)
"Minimal effort, maximum return, is what we're supposed to be doing for each other." (26:50)
"Every drug dealer is a stranger until you meet them. Just give me my weed, Trevor." (28:00)
"I made Jacob sit at the good morning and good evening and good night spot." (30:40)
"That's the spectrum of Portland right there." (32:10)
"I have a pretty tough butthole, huh?" "I'm not allowed to answer that question, legally." (33:40)
"I'll pay for it if you call your mom right now and ask her if she ordered Anal Party 3." (36:20)
"You're talking into a lemon, not the mic, just so you know." (37:40)

Resources mentioned

Josh Wolf on YouTube, the channel this set was posted to.
Josh Wolf (comedian) on Wikipedia, background on the standup and his tours.
Family Tussle, the father and son competition series where the boxing rematch and the wax punishment happened.
Freddie Prinze Jr., the jiujitsu and boxing friend who first put Wolf in the ring.
Psilocybin mushrooms, the reason the show runs the way it does.
Foo Fighters, Coachella, and Frosted Flakes, name checked in the tags.
Good Morning, Vietnam and the D.A.R.E. program, both used as punchlines.
Pony sneakers and the mullet, the 15 year old wardrobe.
Call of Duty, the reason nobody misses buying weed the old way.

Full transcript

Do I have water? Oh, this right here. Okay. Yep, I knew I left it up here somewhere. Yeah, I forgot how to do that for a second. I'm going to take a break. You're drinking out of the water bottle? Yeah. Water. What? I'm like, what are we whispering about? Does anybody have any questions? Where's the guitar? It's in back. I did, on mushroom shows I don't bring the guitar out because I'm never sure if I can play it or not, but I feel pretty good tonight, so I'll play a couple of those. I do feel pretty toasty though. Take my jacket off. Sounds like someone getting fingered at a Foo Fighters show. What do we want to talk about? Okay, question. Yeah. Oh, shit. Will you tell the story of your first ever live show, your first? Sure. So the first time I went on stage I was 15 years old, and I needed somebody to drive me to the show. So my parents drove me. They were so proud. My mom had one of those, not just one but like probably 30 of you know those, z-click, the old-time camera. Z-click, right? And every two seconds I just hear z-click. I'm like, okay, we're just driving over, you know. But I get there and I can't ever remember being that nervous in my entire life about anything. I know that because I remember my knees shaking. And I remember my dad, he goes, "Hey, you don't got to do this." And I was like, "My name's on the list, we're here." I mean, honestly my whole thing was like, what's the worst thing that could happen? I suck. I'm going to suck. After that, what's the worst thing that could happen? So I was like, yeah, fuck, do it. So I go up, and I want you to know what I was wearing that night. I was wearing acid wash chains, they were tucked into some white high top Pony sneakers, for those of you who remember Ponies. I had a fresh mullet, and I was wearing a mesh shirt. It was the 80s. And I had a thick silver chain. And I walk on stage, my mom and dad are right here, my mom was click, click, and I said, "Hey everybody, I'm Josh, I'm 15 years old, I'm super nervous to be here, my mom and dad are here, this is the first fucking time I'll be able to swear in front of my fucking mom." Not one more z-click the whole show. It was pretty quiet. A silent car ride home. My dad got out of the car, he goes, "You're going to have to find your own ride next time." And I was like, "Yeah, I got you. Yep." I will tell you something though. She comes to every show and fake laughs. And I am intentionally extra dirty at my shows with her because I know she's going to laugh no matter what I say, and I get such weird pleasure out of watching her laugh at stuff that she hates. And she'll say after the show, very passive aggressive, "Why don't you ever tell some of those stories that I like so much?" You mean the ones minus the scene? Yeah, those ones. All right, any other questions? That was fun. Okay, what about your kilt guy? The kilt guy, yeah. She's referring to a guy who came to one of my shows and sat right where you're sitting, and he was wearing a kilt. He actually came back to a second show in the kilt. So what happened was, there's this dude sitting right here and he's wearing a kilt. And if you're wearing a kilt and sitting in the front row of a comedy show, you want someone to talk to you, do you know that? So I say, "What's with the kilt?" And he said, "I wrestle." I said, "What do you mean?" He goes, this was in Dallas, he goes, "I wrestle in East Texas." He had red hair, he was like, "I do the whole leprechaun thing." I said, "Oh, that's cool. Are you wrestling tonight?" And he was like, "No." I said, "What's with the kilt?" And he goes like this, he goes, "Gets a little sticky down here in Dallas." And I was like, all right, you didn't need to do that dude, you could have just said sticky, I get it. But now I'm curious because he did do that. I go, "Let me ask you something dude, are you just not wearing underwear?" And he said, "I'm going to tell you what I tell everybody else: you got to lift it up to find out." And I said, "I'm going to tell you something, you're challenging the wrong guy. You tell me I can lift that kilt, see a human dick, and make this whole room uncomfortable, that's my jam, man." So he said, "Get in there dude," and he spread his legs like this. Super aggressive. But dude was trying to make me uncomfortable, he was trying to Alpha me at my show. You're not going to Alpha me at my show. So he said, "Get in there," and I just went like this, and he goes, "Do you have to do it from your knees?" I said, "From my experience this is the best angle to see a dick, so yeah." And then he goes, "Cool, but you have to keep eye contact with me the whole time." And I was like, this fucking guy. So I'm just staring at this dude. Now, who knows anything about kilts? There's two sides to the kilt. One side you lift it up is just more kilt, that's that side. And he looked at me and he goes, "Might bury the treasure on the other side." I was like, oh, I wish I didn't hate you so much. So down on my knees, I grab this kilt, and I remember that he was like, "Hey, eye contact." And by the way guys, I love playing practical jokes on people, I also like to get got, it's part of the deal. And I look up at him, and right before I pull the kilt, he winked at me, and I was like, oh, I hate you so much. I lifted it. Yeah, human dick, real dick. And it was a redheaded one, I'd never seen. Dude, I didn't know it was going to be so bright down there. It looked like somebody just smacked it once, like that kind of red, you know? And I'm going to tell you something right now, this dude, all potatoes no meat. He legit, his dick looked like it fell asleep on his nuts. For real. Okay, I thought Jacob was sneaking up on me but I'm going to sit over here. Any other questions? Is there a followup to finding Jacob's decoy bomb? You mean did I fall for it twice? No, no followup, because it happened one time and I fell for it. He's a grown up now, he smokes, he might smoke more weird than I do. I'm super proud of him, not because of the weed, I'm just proud of him. Does anybody have any other questions before I move on? Did you fight any of your other sons? No, Jacob's the only one who ever challenged me, and we fought three times. So once was in the story you probably are referencing. They're kicking in. Fucking hell. We fought twice since then. Hey Jacob, you want to help tell this story? They want to know about the last two times that we fought. Are you coming out? Oh, you're bringing the guitar? Just so you know, you should have brought that up maybe 10 minutes ago. Because I didn't want it. Hold on, so then why would I bring it out, this is what I'm asking you right now. Let me recap on that conversation. I brought it out and then you said you should have brought that out 10 minutes ago. Dude, I'm so high, I think I was in the middle of a conversation that you and I never had. I think you were in the middle of a conversation with yourself. Yeah, go ahead, why are you out here? Oh, I called you out here. By the way guys, this is what I meant by I'm the parent on the road, I got to get his shit together, make sure he's alive, there's a whole bunch of stuff I have to do. So the last two times we fought. We fought again when I was 19, and we put headgear on, boxing gloves, in a ring. Freddie Prinze Jr. challenged me to a fight originally, and if you don't know about Freddie Prinze Jr., my man is a jiujitsu freak, he also was a boxer. But can I tell you, I didn't know how tiring boxing was, it's hard. So we're in the middle of a round, he and I, after I already fought Freddie for three rounds. He wanted three rounds right after to try and have an advantage, like I was tired. It's like the middle of the first round. By the way, this is why when people are like, why do you get on your tiptoes when you hug them? Because if I don't it looks like we're slow dancing. So we're about mid first round, I had no idea boxing was going to be this exhausting, and I'm hugging him and I go, "Dude, I think I'm going to throw up," and I come back and I just pushed him away and punched him in the face. Guys, I had to point his mouth somewhere else if he was going to throw up, I didn't want to get thrown up on. That was a safety move. And then, you know, I won that round and that fight. On another note, Freddie Prinze Jr. hit me so hard in the face, he knocked me on the floor. Can I tell you something, it was nice to have somebody stand up for me. He wasn't standing up for you, I fought him before you. So, some context. Prior, we filmed this like father-son stand-up. Let me show you why I won the second fight and why it was never a close competition. Hey, when did all that water get on that seat? Hey dude, you're doing something, oh okay, because you're swinging an open water bottle around. Okay, so this was a big reason why I won. Look at me. Oh yeah, for sure guys, that's this type of shit right here, I don't like it when you do that, that bothers me so much. So the reason we fought again is because we filmed this like father-son competition show called Family Tussle on YouTube, and it was so much fun. One of us would challenge the other to something, and the winner would make the loser do something stupid. If you don't know boxing, usually boxing is three minute rounds, one minute rest. Hey dude, do me a favor, talk slower, I can barely follow you. I was there and I'm like, slow down, I don't know what's happening right now, Jesus Christ. Yo, Portland gives me vibes and energy, I'm just stoked to be here, my bad. So you challenge someone, winner makes the loser do something stupid. Stop talking to me like I'm 8 years old, the guests are here for fuck's sake. Based on what I'm seeing in the last five minutes you are an 8-year-old right now. So I challenged him to another boxing match, and for about four months leading up to it he was working out every day. He would call me, "Hey man, I'm in the gym getting huge, I'm going to be in the best shape of my life for this fight, what are you doing about it?" And I took that as a challenge, and you know what I did for four months? Smoked weed and nothing. But what he learned real quick, and I'm just so tired, thank you, this is all I want. Boxing is three minute rounds, one minute rest. You want to tell them what you changed it to? One minute round, three minute rest. And I was still so tired mid round, I was like, what the fuck. And what he learned real quick was that an in-shape 50-year-old is not in as good of shape as an out-of-shape 26-year-old, not even close. I walked in wearing tight clothes with a beard belly and I was like, let's rumble, I was ready to go, I was fighting like Leonardo DiCaprio for fuck's sake. Yeah, it was a good time. So after I beat the shit out of him, for his punishment I made him get his shit waxed. That's true too. I'm going to tell you right now, for everybody who's never had it done, it did not hurt. Here's the thing, I thought it was going to. And it's not just my butthole, I had to get the whole thing waxed. The mound hurts so much more than anything. Wait, what did you call it? The mound. What do you call it? Not the mound for sure. Like the candy mounds, what is going on? The mound, you know, the mound. The more you say it I still get it less. Did you tell him about blowout? Wait, isn't it called mound? Maybe not if you're a girl is what someone said. She said, "You pee sitting down type of shit." I would, right now I'm tired as fuck, I'm not going to lie to you, if I had to pee right now I'd do it sitting down, no shame at all, fuck you all. Do you remember what you were talking about? No. You were talking about getting your butthole waxed. Oh yeah, the mound, thank you. So where were you, you fucking stenographer. Okay, do it now. I'll do it now. I'm going to step off so I'm not standing here weird, and then I'll come back. No, then I'm not going to do it, I want you to stand there weird. I'll be right back ladies. But what if I can't? Do you want me to do it? I can do it, I've heard you do it every weekend for I don't know how long, so I can do it. That's not an insult, it's just, you know, he's old, and drugs and memory and stuff like that. So no, I want to do it. Okay, here we go. I might have a seat, thank you very much. So much better if I do say so myself. All right, so look, I didn't grow up with anybody. When I was 13 years old my dad made me get my first job, I washed dishes in a kitchen like this, probably from age 13 to 16. And if you count this, this is the food and beverage industry, which is basically the only industry I've ever worked in. So I want to tell you a couple things about the people who are working here tonight. First of all, if you've ever waited tables before, you've never waited tables in a dark room where you can't use your full voice and you have to bend over to do your job. If you do, you were at a weird place. Not only that, I want to tell you a couple things about being at a comedy club. If you think your first drink took a while to get to you, you're right, because this isn't a restaurant where two drinks go in, two people sit down, two drinks go in. You all walked in at the same time, so that's 250 drink orders going in at the same time. Somebody's first, somebody's last, that's just how it is at a comedy club. Your service isn't bad, you just got shitty luck, that's all that is. If you've ever waited tables before, I want to tell you how bananas it is to wait tables here, because at a restaurant it's staggered, one here, one back there. At this place all of your customers want service at the same time, they all get sat at the same time, and they all want service. It's an impossibility, they are working as hard as they can for you, I promise you, this is an impossible job. And the last thing, I don't know why I'm fake-kicking you dude. It would be amazing if that's how I ended my jokes. The last thing I'll say is this. It is a tip speech. If this is a big night out for you, I'm not talking to you. I'm honestly not, I've been where you're at. If you got a couple extra dollars in your pocket, I'm talking directly to you. Why am I talking directly to you? Because I am now blessed enough to be one of you. And here's what I know about you: I know how easy it is for you to leave a 30% tip at least in a place like this. I know how easy it is for you to leave whatever you're about to tip and just jump to the 20 or 40 on top of there. Why do I know it's easy for you? Because right now I'm blessed in my life where it would be easy for me, and it would be such minimal effort but maximum return. And minimal effort maximum return is what we're supposed to be doing for each other, everybody. So one time for your waitstaff, they work really fucking hard. Hey, I got to get some. Hey, can you get me a water? Hey Sandy, if you can hear us, can you bring him a water from the fridge? I don't think he can hear me. Sandy's also on mushrooms. This one's unopened, perfect, thank you. Thank you Sandy if you heard me, never mind. You guys want to watch, you just took water from somebody in the audience. She's a staff member I'm pretty sure. Wasn't it? No, she's sitting right there. Can I tell you a story about how you guys can have this one. I trust you, I promise. I don't trust you, it's just good policy. I already told them I take food from strangers, I already told them I take drugs from strangers. Every drug dealer is a stranger until you meet them, guys. Can I tell you my favorite thing about legal weed, everything, is that you don't have to go to your drug dealer's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours. Just give me my weed, Trevor. Wait a second, I can't wait to watch you try and open that. He gets super weak when he's high, so opening a water bottle or a bag of chips is usually a thing. Oh, the yawn is not good, for somebody that means you're going to get higher, which should be fun. Oh, he did it, round of applause for Josh Wolf ladies and gentlemen. Now again I will ask this question, I know the answer, but do you remember what we were talking about before you did the tip speech? Fuck no. Again, for the second time in a row, getting your shit waxed. Oh yeah, yeah. I don't know how you jump into a butthole wax story. Well, it wasn't a jump in, we talked about it before, but let's do something else. You want to take some questions from some people? Yeah, I want to take some questions. All right y'all, you might have seen this online, this is the part in the show where we open the floor to anybody who would like to ask a question. The only rule is that you have to raise your hand. My man, I will call on you first. Thank you. Hey, can you bring me up a case, said here. No, what do you need? Oh, hi. Hey, bowl of sausages. What did you say? Frosted Flakes? Guys, I'm on mushrooms, I don't want any of that shit. By the way, bowl of sausages is a great name for a band. I'd go see them at Coachella for sure. It sounds like a band from Portland, I'm not going to lie. With the kilt. Hold on, let me go back to that, you think a band named bowl full of sausages is an all-girl group? What's the name of it, bowl of sausages? I think they only play Germany, wherever, whatever they are. They're really a local German band, they don't stray much out of that country for sure. Bowl of sausages sounds like people in Germany would be like, I'm lining up for that, but I don't know. So like I said, we'll answer any question, stories about each other, what it's like traveling with one another, life advice, I wouldn't recommend it. But the only thing we ask is that you raise your hand and we'll get to you. If you just blurt it out we're just going to ignore you. I want you all to also know at this point I'm pretty fucking high. Are you good to play the guitar or no? Oh, we're going to find out, that's a fun one. All right, we're going to open the floor. My man, go ahead, you were first. What position were you in when they waxed your ass? Now listen, I'm going to show you, but I also want to tell you, not the voice I was expecting that was going to come out of you. But I'm going to show you. You're going to show them? Oh, hell yeah, he asked, like I wasn't going to show him, I'm going to fucking show you dude. I was like this, arch that back, godamn it. Now I'm going to tell you something, Jacob was, I was on the, because that was the only space open in the room, the esthetician was here, the cameraman was here, so I made Jacob sit at the good morning and good evening and good night spot. Yeah, it was like Good Morning Vietnam, cuz I for sure had PTSD after that, it was rough. All right, anybody else, questions? Yes ma'am, go ahead. Do the other kids ever tour with you guys? The difference in the questions couldn't have been, it was like, tell me the exact opposite question. Hey, can you tell me something about your children, and, how do you like to take it in the ass. By the way, that's about the spectrum of Portland right there, that's the spectrum of people in Portland. Very nice wife and mother, and then some sick stuff over here in a DARE shirt. Yeah, I love it. What was the question? I'm going to answer and then you can try to answer. You're going to fall over if you do that. Nah, I'm holding on pretty tight. You were also holding on pretty tight in the esthetician room, I'm not going to lie. That's true. And I'm going to tell you something right now. I asked that guy, because I was curious, cuz it didn't hurt as much as I thought it was going to hurt, so I asked him, it's such a stupid guy question, I go, "Hey, do I have a pretty tough butthole?" He was like, "What?" I go, "Well, it didn't hurt at all, so I have a pretty tough butthole, huh?" He was like, "I'm not allowed to answer that question, legally." You want to change your question? I do. Did you get your butt bleached at the same time? She felt the need, because we said her question wasn't funny, so she tried to change it, which I like. No, I wouldn't have been in there to watch his shit turn into a chameleon, I'm not. What's the process for that, I'm assuming I'm asking the right person, so what is the process? Are you going to pretend like you don't, I don't know, but maybe. All right, anybody else? Yes ma'am, right here, go ahead. Did you ever confront your parents? Did I ever confront my grandparents about renting the porn? Um, no. The one thing I did do though, cuz look, at a point in time when he was at his wit's end, right as he got home, he goes, "Hey man, look, it was $200 worth of porn, even if you didn't do it I'll pay for it, I'll give you $200 just to say that you didn't. I just wanted to be right, you know what I'm saying, I just want to be right, it doesn't matter how much that cost, I just want to be right." My response to that was, "I'll make you an even better deal. I will pay for it if you call your mom right now and ask her if she ordered Anal Party 3." And his immediate response was, "Absolutely not." So I just said, "Well, it was Grandma and Grandpa," and shut my door. And that was that. But no, it turned into so much more of playing a joke on him, that every time he looked at his mom he was like, get your shit in my bed, you know what I mean? So you know why I'm so glad it's not a question of who did it anymore, cuz I don't have to hear this from my mom ever again. Every time I would see her she'd be like, "Do people really think that I..." She would never get the name of the porn right, like, "Do people really think that I ordered Anal Yard 4?" What the fuck, Anal Yard 4? But she would say it every time. There's still people out there who think I ordered it. First, stop making eye contact when you're talking to me about this. Can I ask the room something real quick? Before I tell you the answer to who ordered it, round of applause for people who think I did it. Round of applause. Okay, well, for those of you, and now I want to hear a round of applause for people who have heard it and thought Grandma and Grandpa did it. Don't thumbs down me, I fucking saw you back there bro. You're talking into a lemon, not the mic, just so you know. I think it's time we have you play the guitar, cuz I don't know what's going to happen up here. I think it's a good idea. Yeah, let me go pee, hold on.