KT #770 - TOM SEGURA + SHERYL UNDERWOOD

Surprise, surprise. Hopefully there's metal detectors in this. Is it okay if I say my least favorite race here tonight? We've made fun of blacks, Latinos, the whites, the Indians, Asians. Thank you. I'd imagine if I were sitting where you were right now and I bought a ticket to a Tony Hinchcliffe show, I'd probably be thinking to myself, Tony, where are those Jew jokes? And now I'm the ambassador to Puerto Rico. Heat. Heat. Hey, this is Fred coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's GL. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? Huh? Yeah. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land. And that's the Kill Tony Band, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, you are here. You made it to the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, and Zip Recruiter. How we feeling tonight, huh? I love it. We're about to have a blast. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Hey y'all. We're going to be in New York, New York at Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th. We will be in Dallas, Texas, Saturday, September 26th and Houston in Sugarland again on Saturday, October 17th. Get tickets. See Kill Tony live. There's nothing like it. Whether someone's bombing or killing, get in on all the action. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You know, business is booming right now. I feel so good about things and I feel so good about tonight's damn booking. Two of the best comedians in the world. You know them, you love them. Make some noise for tonight's guests, Tom Segura and Sheryl Underwood. Oh my god. Hell yeah. Sheryl Underwood. Tom Segura. Yes, we are living the dream. Let's go, baby. Sheryl Underwood, fresh off of the roast of Kevin Hart. Immediately signed to a one-hour special produced by Kevin Hart, brought to you by Netflix. Smashed so hard. Immediately signed a one-special deal. Yes. How awesome is that? You did it for me. We make a good salt and pepper team. You're damn right. We sat next to each other all night. We took it. Absolutely. And then we delivered two hours into that thing. They tried to bury us and we said, fuck that, let's go. We said, gone with that bullshit. She is on the "I need a job" tour. I don't think she really needs one much longer. I think she did it. I need money with Kyle Herby is on the tour with me. But wait a minute. So this is two hours of what? You're going to love it. We're going to watch. No, cuz I thought we was going to do Kill Tony for two hours. Well, a lot of people that look like you do want to kill me right now. Wait, hold on. What happened? What's new today? You're right. Tom Segura is here, ladies and gentlemen. Bad Thoughts out right now. Yeah, this is released. It is out on Netflix and he's doing a cool little new material show July 7th and 8th in Oxnard, California. Little something there. How about one more time for Tom Segura, Sheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen. What a dynamic duo. So, Sheryl, here's what happened. There's 250 human beings. Now, we're not going to get through all of them, okay? But if I pull the name out of this bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. So this is like running a train of comedy. Is that what this is? Yep. Absolutely. And some people are not mentally well. Yes. Exactly. For example, the first name I pulled here, you can't make it up. It's Princess Rubber Ducky is what we're going to end up seeing. Okay. I heard Princess and I automatically thought black. Then I heard rubber ducky and then I went, well, maybe not. You know, their 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That's how we all know. And then they have a few extra seconds or else the angry West Hollywood bear interrupts them. Since the show's inception, we needed a louder noise to cut them off. And then I conduct an interview. The entire show is improvised. Anything can happen. So this is like Showtime at the Apollo for white people. You're exactly right. And for black people. Got it. Okay. I'm ready. It's every shape and size. We have it all. We have transmen, clans, we have everything here. Anything can happen. The clan, what is you going to do? Daddy Glover. That looks just like Danny Glover. That is the first time I've heard him called Danny Glover. I can't believe I missed that. It's been years. You do look like Danny Glover. Gold for this. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. All right. Well, we're going to get it started with one of our regulars. This guy writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Not easy to do in front of millions of people. Let's see what he's got cooked up for us tonight. He was originally called the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He's now the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. What's up y'all? This is my first time in my life I'm living by myself and I was not ready for this. I don't have the right to live by myself. I had to go buy a couch. And why didn't y'all tell me couch cost car money? I walked into the store and I was like, yo, I need some couches. He said, how many? I said, I need enough for six asses to sit down. And he said, you want a bone-in couch or you want a boneless couch? And I was like, like hot wings. Let me get the bone in. I'm in Atlanta, we like bone-in wings. And then he said, well, these two right here is going to be $10,000. And I was like, that's a 2015 Honda CRV with 85,000 miles on it. Don't argue with me. Argue with Kelley Blue Book. I said, well, how much for the goddamn boneless couches then? And then he said, it'll be about 800. And I said, y'all got payment plans? He said, yes. And so I got the boneless couch. And then now I get why it cost less cuz they shipped it to me. And it came in vacuum sealed like the drugs I used to sell. That was crazy. But then on the outside of the plastic, it says, do not cut with a knife. Well then, how am I going to get in there? And then I finally cut the plastic and it went like that, out of there. I was like, these couldn't breathe. Can I keep going? Okay. So, now that I spent $800, now I get why my grandmama's couch was wrapped in plastic. Also, I'm going to let y'all know, if y'all come to my house and I ask you to have a seat, you better sit the fuck down, I got to get my money's worth. I dare you not to. I'll pull my gun out. Sit down. And then put that $75 throw blanket on. Get comfy. Let me show you the rest. You want to see my blender? You want to see? I got this blender, $200. You drinking a smoothie if you come, you drinking a smoothie. I got a guest bedroom. You stay the night. You got to stay tonight. That's my time. Let's go. What a way to start the show. Wow. A brand new 2 minutes and 20 seconds from our resident regular Dedrick Flynn. Absolutely incredible. Spot-on stuff. Amazing, Dedrick. And it is so true. I never really bought a fresh couch before until a couple years ago. It was always hand-me-downs. And yeah, it ain't easy. You really captured everything about a couch. You really covered it, man. Not easy out there. I noticed a lot of couches were hard. And while a lot of people think I like to sit on hard things, it took me forever to find a soft enough couch for me. A lot of them are too firm. Tom Segura, you have a lot to say about that. There's so many different types of couches and beds and furniture and it's a crazy market when you get out there. It really is. I've never heard it called a couch. Yeah. What do you call it? But uh, and for Tony to say that he hasn't sat on a hard one in a while, glad you're telling the people who you are. I'm coming out. Stand up for yourself. That's right. But when he said he couldn't breathe, I went all down. Oh, I know. That set was incredible, man. Yes. Very, very good. Well put together. So, you didn't have a couch at first? No. Every couch I ever had was either found or there when I got there. Okay. But then when you got the new couch, did you put the old couch on the front porch? No, I just moved straight into this. I didn't have nothing. All I bought before I moved in was a big-ass TV cuz I'm old now. I found one gray hair. So I said, I want to get a big-ass TV. Right on. And then I was like, oh yeah, got to sit down to watch it. Real talk. True. I'm digging it. You was about to lose your black card on a couple of them statements, but I'm getting what you said. I love your shirt, by the way. Oh, you do? Yeah. So you know what this is? Yes, ma'am. You know what 1831 mean? Got your platinum black card back on. Platinum black card. I mean, I knew. Look at the white people going, what are they talking about? They always talking about something we can't weigh in on. Come on, black people. Have a meeting without us. Damn it. From what I understand, the platinum black card is the only card you guys have that works properly, right? Hold on now. Okay, now don't let me pull out my Netflix money. Netflix pay very, very well. I hope that it go through. God damn it. I got an accountant. Just a reminder, she's on the "I need a job" tour. I'mma pay off the credit card. We don't want to prolong this. No, I love it. Dedric, that's a fantastic set. You got us started, man, with an unbelievable team. And here we go. It has begun. And now we go to the bucket. Now, as you fans know, this is where it gets crazy, cuz anything can happen. And as promised, your first bucket pull doing an uninterrupted one minute long set goes by the name of Princess Rubber Ducky. Ladies and gentlemen. I've been noticing I've been saying y'all a lot lately and I have a few issues with that. My first issue is that I'm not from that part of Virginia. My second issue is I stopped saying it when I was a kid because I got made fun of at church for saying it. And yes, it was a Catholic church. Catholics are horrible people. I should know, I'm one of them. And you can tell I'm a practicing Catholic because I don't go to church. I try to get to confession, but every time I get walking in the right direction, I end up getting turned around by some Latter-day Saints. So, I'm assuming that's how I ended up here. But I can say this, going to Catholic church as a child has benefited me greatly for one thing as an adult, and that is it's given me incredible dick sucking posture. Sit, stand, kneel. And I can say that joke in good taste because when I went to Catholic church, I didn't identify as a little boy. Okay, Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen. A very religious set. Thank you. I wore my crucifix just for you. They took my duckies backstage. Okay. There's a lot going on there. So, Princess Rubber Ducky, I'm guessing you practice blind faith. Let's go. The only time I deny Jesus, Tony, is when I need to get stoned. How long you been on standup, Princess Rubber Ducky? Don't tell anybody. Less than two years. Okay. And we can tell. So, have you been blind your whole life? No. Okay. What happened? Type 1 diabetes. It's a motherfucker. Let's check in with Sheryl Underwood here. Our type 1 diabetes senior correspondent. You damn straight. First of all, on behalf of those who talk to God every day, when you walked up here with Dwight Kane, are you pregnant? I'm trying to figure out what is happening. Welcome to the roast of Princess Rubber Ducky. I mean, she said, I've been noticing. What the fuck is you noticing? Ain't you blind? And why are you talking against the Catholic Church when we got a new black pope from Haiti by way of Chicago? Now listen, the only thing I related to was the dick sucking jokes because I am a professional. But as a fellow female comic, I applaud you for having the courage to get up and do this. What I'm asking you to do is polish those jokes, get a little more focused, and try not to be so shocking, but kind of pull the set together cuz you're not a bad comic. But we will boo a blind person. We don't give a fuck. I'll never see it coming. But you'll hear it. There you go. You hear it. Cuz I heard that blind people's hearing is good. Not with you around. We going to boo your ass like Showtime at the Apollo up in this. Get these jokes right. Don't come back and forth with me. I was trying to help you. That's the blind talking about God with type 1 diabetes. How the fuck you a white woman with diabetes? Happened to the best of us. The reason she blind is God struck her blind. She going to lose all her benefits when Trump here. That's why I'm here. All right, relax, rubber ducky. Let the professionals. It's the only rubber she's ever used. You're doing great. How blind are you? Are you Ray Charles blind? Are you José Feliciano blind? 2% in my right eye, 2% in my left eye, but I see flashing lights and snow and I can see your outline, but I couldn't pick you out of a lineup. You're doing great. Let me ask you, Princess Rubber Ducky, because I always find it so compelling. So, what exactly did you consume or do a lot of to make this happen? She's got a type one. Oh, that is not the sugar one? No. Whatever. I'm like, how much strawberry lemonade does it take? It's just God on this. It's really just God. So, Princess Rubber Ducky, what do you do for a living? What are some fun facts about your actual life? So I used to, well, I wanted to join the military when 9/11 happened and type 1 diabetes shut that down for me. And so I got into automotive and I did auto body, took first place in auto body and welding, kicked my ex-boyfriend's ass. And then I transferred it over to mechanics. And then I started running shops. By the time I was 21, I managed seven Jiffy Lubes. And then took that to driving a tow truck, learning parts department. I could do anything automotive related and I made six figures doing it. Tom Segura. Well, are you blind or you just have brain damage? That was the longest answer to that. Jesus Christ. That was incredible. That's a long resume. You have frontal lobe damage as well. I left my car here somewhere. Anybody that needs their car fixed, if you have a muffler problem and want your oil changed or vice versa, lubrication is here for you. All right. What about those BJs. Princess Rubber Ducky, before I let you go, where do you live? You live here in Austin? I moved here to Austin in November. Yes. Congratulations. What do you love about Austin, Texas? The accessibility. I moved somewhere we had no public bus. We didn't even have freaking sidewalks. I love it here. I can do everything, go everywhere, and it's been a game changer. D Madness, what do you think about there being a thick white blind woman on this stage right now? We have to check in with our blind bass player, D Madness. I have a gift for D Madness. I really do. I've been carrying this since I went through Mineral Wells, Virginia. You're looking the wrong way. Look the other way. Over here. To your left. Right here. That is my left. Keep going. A little bit more. There you go. That's close enough. All right. D Madness. Princess Rubber Ducky, shut the fuck up. Yeah, cuz you know you're blind, but be a mute for 30 seconds. I can't. I'm a woman. D Madness, what do you think about there being a blind thick white woman on this stage? Very interesting. Looks like he struck a note. She's 5'10, 125. What a show. All right. What gift do you have for D Madness? It is a miniature red flag black Jesus. That is a little black Jesus. No doubt about it. Well, here you go. When you get off stage, you're going to walk right by him. So, there she goes. Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen. The lovely Heidi. How about a hand for Heidi? See, when Heidi came out, only thing I thought was it's the before and after of GLP-1. The blind is before and Heidi is the after. I gave her a big joke book just cuz it seems like it'd be more fun to feel. She didn't really earn it, but she deserves to touch that leather. She asked her if she was pregnant. I think she's got a 7 lb 8 oz tumor in her belly. She might not even have known about it. It was a good question, by the way. She did look pregnant. You were right. But what kind of man impregnates the fat blind woman? And then she said she caught the bus. How do you know you're even on the bus? Cheryl Underwood has arrived. 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All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name, one minute uninterrupted, going to Maximum. Everybody, Maximum. What's up, Austin? I'm here in Texas visiting my girlfriend. She's from Texas. She's kind of like a pitbull. She's slim, sturdy, she's loyal, and she loves playing with balls. She's like the Air Bud of playing with my balls. Like you've heard of the throat goat. She's the scrot goat. So, the first time her and I went out, we went out to a hot tub and I passed out. All the blood was not going to my brain and I passed out. She woke me up. She took care of me. She's like, I need to take you home. She takes me home, shows me this scrot goat thing she's got going on. And she's like, how many fingers am I holding up? I'm like, dude. She's like, and how many fingers do I have in your ass? I'm like, three. I don't know. All right. Jesus Christ, Max. What the fuck was that? You know how bad you have to suck for us all to hope that the not-pregnant blind woman was back up here? You make her look like a genius. Have you ever tried standup before? Did you prepare for this at all? Grab the microphone, you numb nuts. Jesus Christ almighty. What the fuck are you doing signing up for this show? Telling a half a regular sex story. What happened? I thought it was funny. She thought it was funny. It's a new thing we made up today. Okay. Great. I'm glad you're running your fresh ideas by us here in front of millions of people. That's great. Max, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year. How often do you do this? Not a lot. Like twice a month, maybe. Twice a month. And here you are on the biggest show in the industry with 250-some people waiting and hoping. Some of them totally ready to be a breakout star. And here you are taking up a spot for something you thought of today because your girlfriend shoves fingers up your ass. How stupid is that? Why don't you tell us one joke that you wrote before today so that we can judge you off of something other than that. That set was shittier than your girlfriend's fingers. Do just a quick joke. Your quickest shortest joke that you wrote. I'm so old now, my favorite drug used to be mushrooms. Now it's ibuprofen. Let me tell you something, this isn't for everybody. That is just a fact. That's not even a joke. Whatever you and your girlfriend do, you guys do drugs or something? You guys on crystal meth? A lot of ibuprofen. Okay. Well, you just know how to take the energy in a room and absolutely squeeze it dry. Let's check in with the great Sheryl. If you're going to tell an "I'm so old" joke and the punchline is ibuprofen, change it to Valartin, change it to something that old people take, and that'll make it a better joke. I think the material was lacking. We could tell you were nervous. And the way you were describing your girlfriend, I thought you was talking about the blind girl. That's why I kept pointing back there. Are y'all a comedy team? No, I don't know her. And have you now or ever been a gay man? Never. Cuz I know you come harder when you stick the finger in the ass. All the dick suckers know what I just said, right? Too much information cuz the blind guy is now tapping me on my shoulder. But I think you got to get better at it. And who are you running these jokes by? Your girlfriend. Run it by somebody else other than her cuz she cares about you. So she's not going to say kill yourself. Right. Perfect advice. I agree with Doctor Sheryl Underwood's diagnosis. Let's check in with Tom Segura. Yeah. Look, man, that was rough. Everybody has rough sets. Only thing that I would tell you that is crazy is that you were like, I'll just throw this together today. Even if you've only been doing it for a couple years and twice a month, you should come to this prepared with like your best because this is a great opportunity. You'll know leaving here that if you have other opportunities, you gotta come correct. And if you're gonna run something by somebody, run it by a comedian who will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Because it's just some anecdotal story. It was lacking because you threw it together today. If you ran that this week like six times, you would know, I'm not doing that at Kill Tony. So you have to just do the work. You want to do it? You got to do the work. Yeah. You know you bad when white men turn on you. The black woman was trying to help you, but the white dudes turned on you. But I would say be careful running it by a comic cuz a really good comic could take that material and make it great. So what I do is I say things around people naturally and if they laugh then it's a keeper. If they don't laugh, then you got to go back and restructure the joke. And get some joke books and study your favorite comedian's mechanics, not the material, the mechanics. Cuz what you need is stage presence. Bad material with great stage presence leads you to better material. That's true. Great advice. And here's one of those little joke books so you can get started. There goes Max, everybody. Maximum. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. One minute uninterrupted going to Neil Mac, everybody. Here comes Neil Mac. Man, that was the perfect intro music, guys. Thank you very much, Trailer Hinch. It is Neil Mac. I thought I had a better chance with a stupid name. Lately I've been reflecting on the golden age of American advertising. You know, when nice, gently dressed white folks explained, if you got a problem at your house, here's a thing that will help you deal with your thing. And this will help you better than the other things. And then the husband comes down for a cup of coffee. Thank you, honey. This coffee tastes like absolute shit. You stupid bitch. I thought we already had this conversation twice. This country will be great again one day. Damn it. There's a man. Commercials today, it's just a bunch of dancing black folks. How did that happen? Do you need to do some laundry? I'm sorry. My bad. Look at this dancing black lady. I was at the movies. I thought I was at the movies. Once for the spin cycle. Tumble dry. Do you need financing on an all-new certified pre-owned Hyundai Sonata? Good credit, bad credit, no credit, no problem. Hop aboard the soul train to lay down. All right, we got you. Hold on. Neil Mac, hold on. Okay, let's take it one step at a time here cuz I don't think I understood anything you said the entire time. So, the first thing was you said your name and you said that you thought you'd have a better chance with a weird name. What does that mean? I don't know. My regular name is not very good for comedy. My first name is Joel. So, how many times have you signed up as Joel? I've been signing up as Joel for like a year and a half. For a year and a half and you haven't gotten pulled. No. And you think because you changed your name to Neil Mac with the Instagram handle Joel Tyrie, you think that because my hand went in there and you picked a different fake name that it got pulled like that? Oh yeah. It's the good juju, baby. Okay. Well, juju, I do believe, runs show business. So, should I call you Joel from here on out since that's your actual name? So, Joel, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas. What do you do for a living? Well, right now I make donuts. Well, looks like you're getting high on your own supply, my friend. I know, right? Pretty sure you're on your way to type 2 diabetes. I want to lose. I'm so smart. I'm a doctor, basically. Are you pregnant? Redban with a big one. Where's your good joke sound effect? Come on. He's so bad at his job. He doesn't even know where it is. All right, good enough. How long you been making donuts for? A couple months. What made you get into the doughnut industry? Well, I used some savings and I booked a few of my own gigs at little biker bars between Houston and Dallas. I didn't fill the seats, so I just kind of ran myself broke. So, now you're in the doughnut industry. Can you tell us something that would surprise us about making donuts? No, I'm not actually hired yet. What? I am unemployed. Anybody hiring? So, wait, you don't make donuts for a living? No. You just lied. Whoa. Crazy. Can you tell us anything real about you? Well, I am from Missouri. I used to work in a factory. Now I don't. How long have you been unemployed for? A few months. How much money do you have saved? Maybe like 1,500 bucks. What's your rent? Like 900. How do you survive? Well, I got a few things to sell. Like what? Tempurpedic. Damn. I'm sorry. I ain't going to say nothing else to you cuz you look like a motherfucker that will kidnap a bitch and wear my skin. Let the record show I would not do that. I was wondering did the blind woman grow a beard backstage? But I ain't going to say nothing else to you. I'm not playing Wednesday. I'm a hostage. This is my Joel. Just be careful if I take my girdle off and get the iguana eyes going. Joel, what are you selling in order to stay alive and make your rent, in real life without lying with an unfunny lie? Tempurpedic mattress. You're going to sell your mattress. And then what would you sleep on? I guess the floor. Wow. That's your plan right now? Yep. A well broken-in Tempurpedic mattress. Barely used, but with this ass. Okay. Well, we're just going to keep it moving along here. Here's a little joke book. There goes Joel, everybody. All right. The bucket is rough so far. We've been on this journey before. It's a real show. Anything can happen. Every regular, every golden ticket winner was found out of this bucket. Anything can happen. Your fourth bucket pull of the night on a night of rough bucket pulls so far goes by the name of Blicks Hansen, everybody. Here we go. Hello everybody. So pepper spray sucks. Especially when it explodes in your sex toy drawer. Yeah, it's no good. You can imagine how my shade of white would handle something like that. Not very good. But luckily it wasn't one of my toys. It was one of her toys. And it was a butt plug. Unfortunately, we didn't catch it in time. It was the worst or best episode of Hot Ones you've ever seen cuz she's on top and she's like, what's wrong? Something burns. But I knew exactly to go for that glass of milk right away. So, I got that and a turkey baster. And yeah, she downed that milk pretty quick and I did have to get her a second glass. It was a bad night. And that's my time. I'll give you this. You did exactly 58 seconds. That's good. Time was good. You had exactly one funny moment in the mix, which believe it or not is better than the three people that were on in front of you. I'll take it. So, that really happened? That genuinely happened. Wow. So, just out of curiosity, what's in your drawer of sex toys? How is pepper spray in the mix exactly? Yeah, so I'm from Maryland. Okay, that answers all the questions. Now we all picture it. No, go ahead. Tell us more. I moved to New York. Was in New York for 5 years. Always felt safe. But then when I moved back to Maryland, I moved to Baltimore. It has a reputation. Yeah. That was what I fell asleep to. But I didn't feel safe in Baltimore at all. Couldn't sleep for the first 6 months. So I took pepper spray and mounted it on a wall on all three floors just in case. You lived in a three-story place in Baltimore. Brown home. Brown house. Brownstone. Okay. What do you do for work? I change things on the internet for a living. Interesting. Like what do you change? Anything that people pay me to change. So I manipulate algorithms for a living. So if you want to show up at the top of Google for something, I can do that. Or if you want to show up not at all on Google, I can do that. Interesting. So, are you a white hat? A good guy? Uh, white hat is a long-term thing. I'm gray hat. I'd like to think I'm light gray. What is a white hat and a gray hat? I can't say it in front of him. He'll wipe out my whole identity. Let me tell you what, I thought your material was interesting because I could see where you were going. And that's the key to telling provocative stories like this. You gave me the feeling of you're like the boss at the job who screws over the staff so that they can get promotions and you be like, you want me to do what? Yeah. Manipulate people. For sure. That's what I felt. So just me doing standup though. How long? Oh, this is the first time ever. You've ever? Look at that. That's incredible. Really. No shorts. You can't wear shorts ever again. No shorts. Never again. You're one and done. You got it. That's the only reason you're getting away with it. You cannot do that. I appreciate it. It's offensive to everybody. I'm sorry. Kevin Spacey was in something where he was the creepy father. That's you. That's what you make me feel. You are the creepy father. I don't want to have anybody get Kevin Spacey vibes from me. It's the shorts. You're right off roast. He had a big drawer of sex toys, too, it turns out. He had a reputation in New York for what? So before I went full-time in marketing, I was in Michelin star restaurants and there's a reputation among servers that they get propositioned. Male servers got hit on by Kevin Spacey. That makes sense. Yeah, financially. What do you mean financially? Like bribing. This for that. But that's just hearsay. Just hearsay. It's okay. Kevin's had a hard enough time. So, let's get back to the pepper spray in the sex toys. You have pepper spray on all three floors and the booty hole burning with the milk in the booty hole. So, how did the pepper spray get on the butt plug? So where it was mounted, it was behind the headboard and unknowingly that had been jostled loose and the person that I was with at the time picked it up off the floor and put it in the nightstand. And your plan, let's just say there was an intruder in your three-story home and they made it all the way up to the third story. You grab the pepper spray behind the headboard and spray them. And now you're getting the beat out of you by a guy that's all spicy and hot and very mad. And then what would you possibly do after he completely beats the fuck out of you and is taking a shower in your shower? You would be hot from the pepper spray after his hands that have been sprayed beat the fuck out of your face. And since you're wearing shorts, we know. It's probably reliving that night all over again. All right. Did you ever get assaulted or anything? Oh, the pepper spray kept him all the way. Yeah, that was more for her cuz she could use that shotgun. You had a shotgun. Oh, very good. That makes more sense. So, you never had no danger in Baltimore? It was like 6 months after I left that house, it got broken into. No, that's not a problem for you. You're gone. Yeah, I was gone. Was there ever a time in which you heard a little racket downstairs and you grabbed the shotgun and kind of sat there, pointed it at the door? Yeah. How many times do you think that happened, ballpark? Plenty of times. Out of five years, at least half a dozen. Wow. But I was also fortunate I had a little garden in the back and that caused a lot of noise because Baltimore has rats. Not as big as New York, right? There's the sound of a rat for those of you wondering what that was. You in Baltimore, one of the blackest cities in the world. You was living in Baltimore. So either you a insurance man or an undercover cop. Which one are you? What do you think? Whoa. I already told you I mess with the internet. I just think you're fascinating. I think you're oddly fascinating. And I would say not standup, acting. Yes. I think you're a quirky personality that could be a great actor, but stand up. I'd reenact the pepper spray butt plug on your next season if you want. No, no, no. First of all, you're not going to shoot pepper spray toward a black person and you're not sticking nothing in my butt. Not you. I was talking about. You've done worse on your show. Your baker is great, by the way. Oh, thanks, man. Good plug for the bakery. Something I found out on the internet, you get around 250,000 searches a month for Tony Hinchcliffe. And Redban gets around 10,000. Okay. What's your point? Just to set everybody straight, you get more people that inquire if you're gay than Redban does all together. Right? Definitely. I could have started with that. That's very funny. That's how you defront. I literally manipulate things on the internet and study the internet for a living. And a fun fact, talking about what you know is what standup kind of is. You got that big genuine laugh for a reason. There goes Blicks Hansen, everybody, our best bucket pull of the night with exactly one half of a punchline in 60 seconds. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi keeping us hydrated. Check out our podcast at heidirowena.com. And a special shout out to Dylan and the team at Sportsman's Finest. They gave us a brand new Kill Tony gun. They make premium outdoor sporting goods right here in Austin, Texas. This is a brand new Golden Colt Python gun. You guys are the first crowd to lay eyes on the newest Kill Tony gun. Check them out. Sportsman's Finest here in Austin. All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Chris Longoria, everybody. Here we go. So, I recently went through a breakup, been going through a dry spell since then. Met recently the most beautiful Filipino I've ever met in my life. To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions. Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids? I need to stop with the accent. Redban's getting horny over there. And then she asked me out on a date. But then I realized she asked me if I was from here and I was like, damn, she might be an undercover ICE agent. So, I panicked. But I did take her up on this date. Like I said, I was on a dry spell. On this date, she kept asking questions. So, you said you were from here. How long have you been here? Were you born here? I started getting really scared at this point. But then I was really high and I realized that she wanted to use me for my green card and I panicked. So, I proposed to this woman. She's going to get real pissed off when she finds out I'm not legal either. That's right, Ling Ling. We have to figure this out together now. Chris Longoria pushing it to the limit. Welcome, Chris. Fun stuff. How long you been on standup? Two and a half years. Where at? Corpus Christi, Texas. Very nice. There's a scene out there in Corpus Christi. We've all toured out there. I've heard good stories about you hitting up Corpus. You got arrested. Well, no, I didn't get arrested. Me and my friend got, I've talked about this on the show. You're being gay, right? Yes. They thought we were gay. They thought me and my good friend Matt Edgar were gay. And they did arrest the headliner that we were opening for because he's like, hey, those are my buddies. What are you kicking them out of a Whataburger for? And the cop's like, if you say anything else, we're going to arrest you. And he's like, fuck that. These are my friends. I'm taking them to their first Whataburger trip. And he's like, you're under arrest. Long story short, we found out the next day the chief of police of Corpus Christi called my buddy because he was friends with the chief of police. And he goes, what's going on? Why'd they kick my two friends out? And he said, well, the officer said a couple were wrestling around in the line at the Whataburger. That was the exact line. We were on speakerphone in the car cracking up. Our buddy's like, shut up. You just got arrested for being a fan. No. Again, we didn't get arrested. We got kicked out of the Whataburger. My buddy got arrested for basically defending us. Cheryl, what probable cause did they have to think that you were gay? Trust me, I felt like you for a second in that Whataburger. I'm like, this is what it's like. I did nothing wrong. I also heard a rumor that they were going to arrest Cheryl's husband, but he jumped off before they could. All right. You're not making jokes. Sorry, Cheryl. No, you killed it at the roast. You did, too, Tony. Are you Latin? Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Oh my god. No. I'll take it. What type of Latin man are you? I was born and raised here in America, but family from Spain and from Mexico as well. Okay. Is it true that a Filipino woman was trying to approach you? Well, I thought you were very interesting when you walked out because you had a confidence to you. I'd like for the material to rise to the occasion and meet you in that confidence. Tell the story faster because you don't have a long time to keep the audience's attention. I didn't understand where you was going, but I knew it was something about immigration and you could do it, but you took too long to get there. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. Is this something you really want to do or are you just around? I'm obsessed with this. And you've been doing it for two years. How do you make money, Chris? I deliver packages. See, first thing I thought was a bunch of bitches in an 18-wheeler sweating. But then I was like, don't say it, Cheryl. You said you deliver packages. I used to install security systems, but it really didn't work with me trying to do gigs. Who the fuck would let you put a security system? Surprising, right? When I knocked on the door, hey, I'm the guy that's installing your security system. They're like, you're the one that's going to rob me after, aren't you, motherfucker? There you go. Thank you for following me. See, you got it in you and you got the skill and the instinct. Now get the material to match the skill and the instinct. You're not bad at this. You can do it. Appreciate that. No, I mean what Cheryl said is, especially when you're telling a story, if you have a minute, the thing you said at the end should be like at the 20 second mark. Because you just don't have enough time. So you got to move it along quickly. And there's a whole part of that that I had to cut out to even get to that. Right. But you have the minute, you got to move quicker. You got to keep cutting. Cut, cut, cut. Chris, why do you have crazy eyes? Are you on Adderall or something? You have crazy big goofy eyes. What are you on right now? They are scary. I've been signing up for this for 2 years and I'm really nervous. This is your first time on. One guy signed up for a year and a half. One guy signed up for two. But even the whites above your pupil are showing us. You're on nothing at all? I smoked a little bit of weed to calm down. Also, you did something that some Latin people do. You're like, I got family from Spain. Yeah, I do. My dad says they're all from Spain. Wait, but where's your dad from? Mexico. Wake up. We all know the answer. He doesn't know his dad. Listen, Mexican, dude. I'm a little too dark. You look like you're from Spain. I look like I'm from Mexico. Cuz you are. And you're leaving here with a medium-sized brown joke. Just as brown as you are. There he goes. Chris Longoria, everybody. Let's get a golden ticket winner up here real quick. This guy originally from England is just so different than everybody else that we like his style. And every once in a great while he graces us with his extremely dark jokes. Make some noise for the return of Sir Winston Pickles. Everybody. Well, I'm heading to Boston next Monday and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb. I was at the supermarket over the weekend and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Guthrie. I'll tell you what, you do see toddlers. There was this annoying toddler. His parents were oblivious to what he was doing. Wandering around, he starts running towards me in my shopping cart. Now, I could have been the good guy and moved out the way. But no, I thought, I'm going to teach this little bastard there are consequences for running around at the store. Boy, did he collide with my shopping cart. His glasses came off. My Coca-Cola popped the cap. It's okay, though. He'll be good. He was wearing one of those white plastic helmets. Sir Winston Pickles. Absolutely doing what Sir Winston Pickles does at his best. Dress for the job you want. A man fully prepared. Never in shorts. Always 100% spectacular. A true showman and unbelievably executed. Dark. Your brand of jokes right down the barrel. How do you feel, Sir Winston Pickles? I'm just happy to be here, Tony. Fantastic stuff. The Nancy Guthrie really got me. Real misdirect there. Did not see that coming. What's your process, Sir Winston Pickles? Do you write in the makeup or do you write? Bit of both, Tony. I normally write jokes while I'm at the supermarket, believe it or not. Yeah, the material is just gold. No, it happens. There's a lot going on at the supermarket. Do you go to the actual supermarket? Of course I do. Almost four times a week, bro. Wow. Sir Winston, how's America treating you? Have you gone back to England recently? Not recently, no. I'm actually trying to get back down to my ideal fighting weight. My ideal fighting weight is 10 pounds 8 ounces. When I was a maternity ward boxing champion, 1965. That's a wacky one. I still have my gloves on. Michael Gonzalez could fit into those right now. Look at the little guy back there. Don't let that hat confuse you. He's a little fellow. What else is going on in the world? Is that a new suit? Yeah, every suit has these logos. You're killing it, dude. What else is going on in the world? Well, now I'm in Texas. I got to visit the Alamo finally. Tell us about that. Well, the selection of vehicles sucks. So, I'm going to Enterprise next time. He is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Sir Winston, anything else we should know about what else is going on in the world? I'm thinking of going back to England for a visit to my family, but it's a bit crazy out there right now. It really is. That's what they're saying. They wanted to appear to be open to absolutely anything. They wanted to make it look like anyone can come here. We're just the best. Come on in. The doors are open. Explain to the people what happened to beautiful London, England. Well, it's a hole, basically. Yeah, that's what happens when you don't have proper process. Yes. They just let anybody in. I mean, they let me back in. Have you guys been to London recently? You been to London, Cheryl? A while ago. And I had a great time. You know, they had their meat out in the open hung upside down. The rabbits and all kind of. I had a good time. And then I went to the palace and hung out outside. They didn't let a bitch in. I had a good time. But y'all, fish and chips, what's up with the mashed green peas? Oh, mashed potato, mushy peas. The mushy peas. Can I tell you something? I got nothing cuz I thought you were very, very good. I was kind of concerned about that Nancy Guthrie joke, but I think you have now taken the Tony Hinchcliffe award for inappropriate material at the wrong time. That is a good award to have. But I thought what you did was very good and it was written well and all of this works. Don't change anything. Don't let nobody tell you take this off. This works. And I thought you did very, very well. Thanks very much. Can I just say something, Tony? When I met Cheryl earlier, her hair was flat to her head. Then she saw me. Oh, I see. Shocking. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. That is one of the golden ticket winners, everybody. And back to the bucket we go, where we found Sir Winston Pickles. Where we found all the greats. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Ronnie Frier, everybody. Here comes Ronnie Frier. Make some noise if you're superstitious. I guess just me. I don't get what's up with the black cats. Like what makes them bad luck? Like if you see one it's bad luck. If it crosses the street it's bad luck. All I know is whenever I see a black cat, I think there goes the neighborhood. Believe it or not, I said that joke one time and a lady called me racist. Like, you would not be saying that if you saw my search history, lady. Latinos and Asians. Sorry, baby. All right, Ronnie, great stuff. Welcome. How long you been doing standup? Two years. It's a big day for the 2-year class today. Where at, Ronnie? Corpus Christi, baby. Whoa. You're from Corpus, too. Do you know Chris Longoria? That's one of my day ones. Amazing. Do you guys drive here together? No, sir. I actually live here. I moved up about a month ago. For comedy, love, and rock and roll, man. What are you doing for work here in Austin? I came for comedy. But how do you make a living? Plan B. I had a little bit of money before I came here. How did you make your money? Ironically, I worked at Enterprise, dude. Wow. Pickles the Clown was right. And you saved up enough money to move to. Are you making money doing comedy here? I mean, no. Right. Exactly. So, what's your living situation? Explain to these people what it's like chasing your dreams here in Austin. Every Monday I come up to Kill Tony and usually when I don't get pulled, I go stay night at Buc-ee's, dude. At a gas station. Okay. What else? How about the other six days a week? Dude, I've been Airbnbing it lately. And then hotel hopping. Came to Austin for comedy, so this is what I'm here for. Have you thought about settling down and finding a roommate since you're living off of saved rental car money? Have you thought about pumping the brakes on all the fancy hotels and Airbnbs and perhaps being more fiscally conservative? I don't know if you think the Super 8 is fancy, sir, but no. I mean, time and a place if something comes available, but I'm here to do comedy. I got plans and goals. So, it's just like I don't want to get stuck in a lease long term. Never know where comedy is going to take you. Staying light on your feet. What do you do for fun when you're not doing standup? Any hobbies or interesting fun facts about Ronnie Frier? So, this is going to sound cool. In my past, I knocked up a stripper. Sounds so cool. We all wish we did that. What could possibly go wrong? It's the same thing I was thinking. And then what happened? About 3 months old, I was left with my son. And she went and lived her own life and I've been raising my son by myself. That's amazing. For how long now? He's nine now. Wow. So for nine years. That's amazing, Cheryl. That's called being a single father. That's something you may have never heard of. It's like Bigfoot, a white single father taking care of their child in an Airbnb. Go ahead. That's the kind of dick we want. Am I right, ladies? Where's your boy? Where's your kid? My son's grandma's watching him, so he's at the Super 8. Exactly. No, you have great stage presence. When you walked out, I was like, oh, this guy's been doing it a while. And your jokes were great, dude. That was very funny. You got to do a ton of open mics and all the shows you can get on. Yes, sir. Let me ask you a question because I find it all so intriguing. Is the former stripper ever part of the kid's life? No, she's in prison right now. What did she go to prison for? Armed robbery. Amazing. What do you know about the armed robbery? So allegedly. Allegedly. Convictedly. How'd she plead? Guilty. Got to plead that out. Someone owed her money and her and her friend decided to rob him and cash herself out. Wow. What's your Instagram? That's the show. That's the sitcom. Ain't nobody can say you stole that from them. That's the show that you knocked up a stripper, you keep the baby, and she robbed somebody to get money. I'd watch that every fucking day. She was a top 10 Corpus Christi most wanted. How long was she eluding the police? Too long. I was like, what the fuck. You guys got to do a better job. Was she really on the run? How long? Like 6 months to a year. Do you know where she was hiding? She got caught on a ferry. Wow. In the area or somewhere else? In Corpus. Marshals are after you. That's cool. And then when she dropped off your son at 3 months old, what did she say? She didn't want to be with me and she wanted to go explore other options. And what have you learned by having your own nine-year-old? Do you guys bond a lot? So, I raised him for the first seven years, playing mom and dad. And then I needed to find something else for myself. So, this kid's been abandoned twice. Amazing. Maybe he's a single black father after all. We thought he was a white father. Cheryl, they do call me white chocolate. Amazing. I like how you really took in the applause about you being a great dad. I'm a great dad, I know. And then you're like, a couple years ago I let him go. No, your mom is a great dad. That's what's happening. It's baby mama's grandma. The plot thickens. Her grandma. In Corpus. How often do you talk to this kid? Every day. I just drove back today. I see him every other week and I'm a good dad despite what Tom said. Hold on. He's nine. I've been raising him since he was 3 months. And everybody was like, you're the dad of the year. And then when he was seven, I gave him to his grandma. Amazing. Ronnie Frier, you had a great set, great interview. That's what it's all about, buddy. One more time for Ronnie Frier, everybody. And the show goes on. This guy was inside and signed up. This is representing the audience tonight. Make some noise for GPOW. Everybody, here comes GPOW. I know I look like I build benches and stress test them with my ass. I know I look like a carpenter sleep paralysis demon. What do you mean there's a weight limit? I'm getting to the size now where my clothes have no name brands anymore. These suspenders, guys, you've seen them holding down a dresser in the back of your buddy's Tacoma. Come on. These are load-bearing, guys. I've been trying to do something about it. I've been going to Overeaters Anonymous. It's like AA for beautiful people. It's not working. It's really not. First visit, guys, they give you a gold coin as a commemorative thing, and I immediately tried to pull the foil off the outside of it. Not for me. GPOW. What a set. Welcome, my friend. Those suspenders are indeed working right now. Those are functional as it gets. GPOW, welcome. How long you been doing standup? About 18 months now. Amazing. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I started up in New Jersey and then I moved down here about 8 months or so. What made you start now? How old are you? I'm 33. What made you start at 32? Honestly, I got a great girlfriend and she's the one who said you might just be funny enough to do something. I love that. So, she moved down here with you. Yeah, she did. And I'm in a unique relationship, guys. You guys know what an age gap relationship is? So, again, I'm 33 and there's 17 years between us. She's not 16. That's what I thought. I'm dating a 50-year-old woman, guys. Whoa. I thought she was dating a 16-year-old. What's it like being with a 50-year-old woman? Oh, god. If you guys haven't done it, you should do it. Tell us about it. What's it like down there? It's a great time because young girls are so needy, and she cooks good if you can't tell. So, wait a minute. Are you telling me you are with a 50-year-old black woman? Her exes were black, so she got the seasoning somewhere. Hell yeah. Great answer. GPOW, what do you do for work? I work at Trader Joe's. Whoa. What the hell are you doing at Trader Joe's? Samples. Can you tell? And how about her? What does the 50-year-old do? Tony, you're going to love this. HEB. The true Texas superstore. Does that cause any conflict in the household? The rivalry between HEB and Trader Joe's. It looks like you're winning both stores. No complaint. You look like the boss at the end of the HEB video game. So, GPOW, what are you eating? Take us through a day. What are some of your guilty pleasures? My girlfriend hates this, but she'll tell me there's dinner at home and I still stop at Pat Terry's. What's your order at Pat Terry's? Oh, I'm a number two kind of guy. It's a cheeseburger fries. I don't get the lettuce tomato cuz that's just salad. And I get the cookie for a dollar. Why not? Take note, my horn player is playing fat man music over there. That's what we have a trombone player for. Amazing. Now, is being big something that runs in your family? Is that a genetic thing? It sure does. The interesting thing is my dad used to be 350 pounds and now he's like a bodybuilder for a living. How did he do it? Divorce. Ah, that'll do it. And are you married to this 50-year-old? No, we're just dating. She did the whole marriage thing. She ain't into it anymore. I am a stepgrandfather though. Oh wow. Stepgrandfather. Do you get to see your stepgrandkid? I'm mixed. I'm not black. Wait, what? I'm confused. See, you was doing so good. Yes, I see them often. I see them every night. They live with you. They do. Wait a second. Was her daughter once a stripper? This is all coming full circle here. It's a small world. GPOW, tell us another fun fact about your life. Yeah, people don't realize it looking like this, but I am mixed race. Really? What is it? Yeah. So, my dad is half black. He's Palestinian and white, so he's a victim. Look at Cheryl pretending she doesn't get that joke. Amazing. What else, GPOW? Any hobbies or anything that would surprise us? Well, I don't have any pets. I have a sea monkey, which is pretty interesting. Just one? Yeah, that's the thing. Cuz normally they come in thousands, but for some reason there's like one in the jar with these giant balls. I don't know. It's weird to me cuz what happened to the rest of them? I didn't eat them. Okay, stop thinking that. I don't eat sea monkeys. Tom Segura, what do you think about GPOW? You did a podcast with him for a long time. Why are you wearing a shirt all of a sudden? Yeah, don't let me finish the sentence. Bro, that was so funny. You were so funny. Just know like you definitely can go far in this. I wanted to hear even, you had the joke, you're like, my clothes are so big, there's no labels, and then you did the joke about the suspenders, but I want to even hear more before you get to the suspenders. Like just know that you can exhaust that cuz that's such a funny thing that clothes don't have labels. I want to hear about it and then you can wrap it up with the suspender stuff. You can exhaust those topics, but dude, so funny. Great joke writing. You by far stood out. Also, if you lose 50 lbs, you'll still be huge. So don't think that, oh, I can't lose any weight. You can lose a hundred and everyone will be like, that's the biggest guy I've ever seen. So you'll still be funny in that regard. That's what I told the other guy, too. But you need one more joke cuz I write in a rule of threes. One, two, three, boom. Cuz it'll change your cadence. So, you need one more joke cuz the killer joke is the suspenders holding down. That's the killer one. The one in the front is a good joke. Then the one in the middle is a great joke. Then it's the killer that lays them out. And then you move to your next topic. What I feel is John Goodman. Means a lot. Thank you. Red Band, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom. You just got booked on a real show. Here's a big joke. GPOW getting booked on a real show. He moved to Austin, Texas, and now he's on the Secret Show on Thursday. These are the types of dreams coming true. You guys are in for a special treat right now. How many of you guys have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, you'll be very excited to know that one of our Hall of Fame members is right behind that curtain. A regular famous for his unbelievable writing and roasting. Everybody, I present to you one of the most legendary regulars in the history of the show. Known for roasting everybody and the panel and the band and anybody who he lays eyes on. Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas. Everybody. Yeah. I'm the last in blackface. I'm dating a white girl now. And what I have realized is that white women really love their dogs. I do believe if white women could give birth to dogs, they would. It's so weird. Like, I'm with this white girl and she got one of them little small dogs. And I was at her house the other day and I was eating her out with my ass in the air on her bed and her dog jumped on the bed and I'm like, hey, lock this dog in his cage. Because if he lick my ass, it's over. I knew I should have laid down in sniper position to eat that. That's the best position to eat ass, sniper, cuz you can clinch your ass cheeks and get some extra horsepower in your tongue. I'm a Christian. I do believe in God, but I also believe in reincarnation. And I pray to God like once a month. I'm like, God, if reincarnation is real, please don't let me come back as a nigga again. Please. I can't do this. It's too hard. I'd rather come back as a white person's dog. I would have come back as a schnauzer named Winston, you know? Because a white person's dog is the best treated animal on this planet. And then I think about it. And I'm like, I might want to come back as a rescue pit bull because they would buy me and then they would abandon me and then I end up in a shelter and some lesbian would adopt me and then when she trust me, I'd kill her. David Lucas has done it again. Welcome back, my friend. What an amazing set. 2 minutes and 10 seconds. You worked harder than you had to. Taking all that energy you don't spend at the gym and utilizing it here on Kill Tony, trying to wear camo pants to blend in the fact that you're built like an ice cream cone. Small at the bottom, bigger as you go up. You are sweating bullets up here right now, David. What is going on? Nothing, bro. Chilling. You've been hanging out with that blind pregnant thick white woman. I got money now, I don't fuck fat bitches no more. She had to catch me 6 years ago. If she 280, she ain't my lady. Hey, bro. Tom and Cheryl look like the first interracial couple to go to prom. And Tony looked like the girl that Tom actually fucked that night. You are a trailblazer, man. Tony historian. You are hilarious, David. You are a master roaster. You helped write for the roast of Kevin Hart. Little fun fact. All the racist jokes. I don't know if you did all of them. Yeah, I made all the Cheryl jokes. I was just playing. I love Cheryl, but I've been watching you since I was a kid, baby. And you're still gorgeous. I don't know how many of y'all used to watch Cheryl, but she's so black she used to bring her purse on stage. It's so weird. She has had it on her lap the entire show. She has not let it leave. And you know what's funny is Joe Rogan in the green room before the roast actually said, fun fact about Cheryl Underwood, she always keeps her purse on her. And I'm like, what? Really? And then ever since then, you've had your purse on you. Here's something white people don't know. Cheryl, what's the black rules for the purse? You can't put it where? Can't put it on the floor. Why is that? You lose money if you put it on the floor? Oh, black people have so many superstitions. We're the most superstitious people in the world. Like there's a black superstition. If somebody is sweeping and they sweep your feet, you got to spit on the broom or you going to jail. Yeah, that's right. And so maybe somebody swept George Floyd's feet. Oh god. Come on. See, David. I knew that was going to get you. That's why I said it. Now, see, the Floyd family ain't no punks. They got hands. I know. Look, I had an instance with them and that cost me like $15,000, right? All right, let's stop talking about the Floyds. Let's talk about how black people are the original gypsies. Tell us more. I want to know more of these black superstitions. If a bird fly in your house, somebody's going to die. You can't whistle in the house after sundown. Don't sit on my bed. You can't sit on the bed with outside clothes. You can't wash on Sundays or you're going to wash somebody out your family. I should make a book. Oh my god, this is incredible. I was at my buddy's house on Saturday and a bird flew in. Well, that's scary. You have AIDS. I love Tony, man. Tony, I just wrapped my first full-length movie, dog. They found me from Kill Tony, bro. What? Wow, that's incredible. It had Jonathan Majors in it, bro. It comes out in like October, November. I filmed it in the worst city possible. Like, I was in Gaffney, South Carolina. They don't know that slavery is over. Like, they're like, what you doing here, boy? That's like the Peach Capital or something. How'd you know? Because House of Cards. I'm a big fan of the head actor, Kevin Spacey. And he is the senator from Gaffney. I do believe that. Bro, the best restaurant there is Cracker Barrel. What do you get from Cracker Barrel when you go there? You look like the barrel. You look like the cracker. We still got it. Fun fact. David Lucas and I have the record for the two people in the world that have made fun of each other the most. That's an actual fact. There's hours and hours of us going back and forth. And you got the fastest twerks in 60 seconds. The fastest what? Twerks. When you be shaking your booty. Oh, okay. Well, you have the slowest, obviously, sluggish ass. I love this little homosexual dig. I can't imagine how much weight that dog gained by eating the dingleberries hanging from your backside. That dog ate good kibbles and bits. That's why you're wearing camo. I'm letting a nigga that got bit by a gay vampire roast me. Cheryl, you don't age, baby. You're beautiful. It is true. I had to change my jokes on the spot before the roast cuz you did look so good. And I thought you were going to wear weave and then you came out with that beautiful head of hair. I had a joke planned about what hair you would be wearing and then I had to change it to Laffy Taffy in a dryer. I changed my whole thing. Most black women with money don't wear weaves anymore. They wear wigs. What's the difference between a weave and a wig? A weave is sewn in or glued in. And a wig covers your whole head. Kind of like when you get your dick sucked by your boyfriend. Oh, okay. Now I get it. You son of a bitch. David Lucas, we love you. The legend, the Hall of Famer, David Lucas. And now we go back to the bucket. We are coming up on it, folks. The lovely Heidi. All right, we got another bucket pull coming in hot. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for David Hall. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am a bunch of white privilege. Let me tell you, I'm born in Africa, so it technically makes me African-American. That must make some of you a little uncomfortable or excited. Depends on the day. What didn't help was my mother was a fantastic drug smuggler. I was the mule. So, you can imagine little boy, beautiful mom, lots of cocaine, borders, straight through. I just kept doing it. I grew up. I was like, oh, this white privilege thing seems to work. And then I get to New York City and I'm hanging out in the Bronx and my friends go, you got a little too much white privilege. I'm like, but I'm African-American. They kicked my ass. But after that, we went out and they really saw the white privilege, the little slide of the $20 bill so we don't have to wait in line. Little slide of the $10 bill at the bar cuz I'm running out of money. And then at the end of the day, I'm asking them for money and they go, shit, maybe you are African-American. Okay. David Hall. So, what do you mean you're African-American? You were born in Africa? Yeah. Nairobi. And two obviously white parents. One Corpus Christi, Texas mom. Who lied to me her whole life and told me she was a Cherokee Indian. They do that. And father was English. What's up with your eye? You see, before I came out I was like, do I do the eye joke or the privilege joke? So I was working in the mountains as you do with a big knife as you do and a big machine kind of plunged it in my eye. Wait a second. It doesn't hurt. It's just liquid now. I'm standing there. Knife in the eye. This isn't funny. All right, get to it, David. No, that's what I said. So, you lost your eye. No, it's still there. They put it back together, but not too good. But it doesn't work. No. You look like God. How many of you are there, David? So, is there a reason why you just walk around with your eye closed instead of wearing a patch? I keep losing it. You keep losing your eye patch. Doesn't it wrap around your head? Yeah. But you have a couple drinks. I don't get the eyeball jokes cuz they put the eye back in. You drink a lot, David? Just enough to lose your eye patch a lot. I have glasses, too, that I spray paint the inside, but then I just sit on them cuz they're on my left. Wow. Lot of glasses. See, I was hoping for some pirate jokes or something to go with the eye cuz the African-American, we voted and all the black people said that ain't funny. But they haven't seen me naked. We don't want to see you naked. But I do think you could be. Never mind. You can't be. Well, maybe the next bit will be pirate. I did add gold teeth lately. Okay, David, let's take it one step at a time here. How long you been doing standup comedy? Never done standup comedy, but I was in a circus in Paris for 5 days. So, the answer is this is your first time doing standup comedy. Absolutely. Are you a drunk or on something? You're just quiet and kind of shy. Yeah, I guess for your first standup night. Bit shy. Bit quiet. Next one I'll have a drink. Was it a real circus or a carnival? Contemporary. Contemporary circus. You for real? The circus? Yeah. What did you do? I presented the show and then I ran the bar afterwards. So, you were like Mr. Loyal kind of circus? Universal Soul Circus. What would happen at your circus? What type of entertainment did you have? Well, Tony, it was an experimental circus. So, we had trapeze artists, comedians. Well, not comedians. Clowns. Actual crazy clowns. They love the goddamn clowns. It's awful. We had this great guy who could take off his clothes without even touching them. I thought it was quite amazing. Like pants off? That doesn't seem that hard. We had three comedians almost have their pants fall off on camera. Okay. I just think you're kind of boring, David. Yeah. Beginning for everything. What's the most interesting thing about you before I let you go? My wife. What about her? She is an East German refugee from the communist bloc. I met her in Switzerland and she dropped everything. Followed me to Scotland, followed me back to Switzerland, followed me to New York, Colorado, and now here. And she's fantastic. What's your favorite thing about her? She has that laugh in the movie theater where no one else laughs. I can tell. Because you probably ran some of this material by her and she was probably cracking up. She was losing it. Do you want to see an impression of her losing it? Sure. Okay. Here you go, David. I'm going to get you out of here. Back to the circus you go, David Hall. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Steven Glenn. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes Steven Glenn. You got to be kidding me. Unbelievable. This show's crazy. [Steven sings a parody of the Cheers theme song while facing away from the crowd in half a clown suit.] Okay. Is there more you wanted? Did you want to do something? Yes, dude. That was awesome. Keep doing that. I mean, I don't even know where to begin with this. Steven, did you want to do something other than sing a bad parody of a song? Fun fact. Jews. Okay, I'm going to stop you there, Steven. Keep going. Jews like to kill six out of seven people. That's where six came from. Solid. I'm so in. How are you getting out of here? Because I know there's some Jews and some gay people outside ready to whoop your fat ass. And why did you drop the clown suit? That was the funny part. And you got the nerve to have a fanny pack. Where are we going with all of this? This is the lane to stay in. This is awesome. What's up with Asians? Give us something. How long have you been doing comedy, Steven? This is my second time. And your first time you did it, did you do it with a clown suit, come out, face the other way, and then sing a parody of the Cheers theme song? I did the Cheers theme song. The finger goes into the belly button. When he gets nervous, he fingers his belly button. It's a tick. Steven, keep doing what you're doing. Do not pivot from this. I'm telling you, this is gold. Steven, I don't know how we're going to get around the YouTube rules on song parodies. They are so strict that we're going to have to really do some surgery to your parody and have people imagine the Cheers theme song while not actually being able to. I don't think we're going to be able to air it. Redban has informed me that there's no way we can get that through. It's not us, it's YouTube. I'll pay the fee. Okay. You heard it here. Oh, he's making some big creative decisions over here, folks. Second time he made a choice. And he has not cracked a smile. This is a serious man. When was the first time that you tried this out? Was that a week ago? A month ago? It was at a show in Dallas or Fort Worth, Texas. When? Two weeks ago. And you're like, this is it, I'm ready? Well, yeah. I got good feedback. Perfect. How old are you? 45. No way. Yes, I'm 45. So, what have you been doing your whole life, Steven? Tell us about the real Steven Glenn. Well, the first time I got on stage, I was like four years old. And I had a clown outfit on. And I fell in love with the stage because the first time I was on stage, I kept bowing and they kept applauding. So, this is kind of a full circle moment with the clown outfit. So, the more I bow, the more you applaud. Please. Okay. That was good. That cuz you kind of lost me. You was like Jason Alexander lost all his Seinfeld money, but I went with you on it and you committed and you stuck the landing and I'm with it. You got on the Chuck Taylors. I see where you're going with all of this. Steven, you seem to be a really funny guy. What have you been doing your whole life? What do you do for work? I do Uber. You drive just regular people in cars. How long have you been doing that for? About 6 months. What were you doing before that? Well, I kind of take care of my mom. Oh, what's up with your mom? Hi, mom. Well, I moved in when my dad passed away and she became my best friend. And she's not going to be around forever. So, I'm taking applications if anybody is looking for a best friend. His voice is so cool, too. He's talking up here like he sounds like Bill Clinton meets Elvis. Yeah. My grandfather wrote an Elvis Presley song. Called Crying in the Chapel. It's the only gospel song that's on his number one hits album. Do you have a gay parody of it? I could make something. No, you can't. It literally sets off the YouTube rules. The YouTube rules are crazy now. You literally can't do anything with music. You really drive Uber? That's correct. Do you put the child lock on it so people can't get out the car? Yeah, it was on child lock. I had some kind of thing where they couldn't leave so I kept having to open the door for them and then it fixed itself somehow. What did you do the previous 25 years basically? Oh, I was a child actor for Kenneth Copeland Ministries. For what? You were a child actor for what? Did you say Kenneth Copeland Ministries? I was a character on a series for Kenneth Copeland Ministries called Commander Kelly and the Super Kids. My name was Rapper. The guy who was the nerd super kid was black, but they gave me the rapper part because I was on the audio tapes before the VHS. What? How long did that gig last? There were four movies about 8 to 10 years, I think. You did that for 10 years. All right. What was your character's name? Rapper. It's kind of generic, but you know. Did you do something after that? I was on an episode of Chuck Norris. Yeah, but that's one. Wait, hold on. You was on Walker Texas Ranger. You were on an episode of Chuck Norris. Is this you? Yeah, that's me. That's you. We lost him. That was a close one. That's you with an agent. But the agent duck is where we cut across the neighborhood and hid behind a tree and that's when the dog came out, took a bite of me. We live. Oh my god. Okay. I know talent. I'm trying to tell you, man. I know talent, dog. And you are the Simon Cowell of Kill Tony. So the question remains, Steven, between that little Uber and now, what the fuck have you been doing the whole time? My mom says I inherited my dad's body, so that's kind of an ode to him. Okay, this is Jedi level evading. It's unbelievable and I respect it. You have an unbelievable amount of charisma. When you say that you were on an episode of Chuck Norris, which is the name of an actor, what do you mean exactly? Oh, did I say Chuck Norris? You said you were on Walker Texas Ranger. What episode? Can you describe your character in Walker Texas Ranger for us? I remember I had like a purple silk shirt. Do you remember the name of the episode or the name of your character? No. The scene got cut out. Yeah, I can see that. Much like it's going to on this episode of Kill Tony cuz there's no way we're going to be able to get around that Cheers thing. It's going to basically start with your interview and people will understand that you did a gay parody of the Cheers theme because trust me, we won't be able to do it. It's going to cost like 40,000 bucks. And I want to be clear, I'm not paying that fee. I was around. Oh, okay. Here's 40 grand. Sure. Look how serious he is. We are. Redban. Oh, I'm excited because he just kind of chuckled. You have an Asian wife, right? So, me and my buddy, we got the bright idea to start interviewing Asian women. You know, make it really exclusive. So, if you're Asian and you see me and my friend on the street, you know, say what's up. Hold on a second. Steven, you might be one of the most accidentally hilarious people I've ever had on this show. Just say what's up. So, you and your homie are interviewing exclusively Asian women on the street. Cuz you see, those guys question women on the street, but they're always like the drunk white girl. So, we want to spread the love. We're being pranked right now. You're like a professional something. Who sent you here? What are you exactly? Tell us the truth. You're here to bust the show. You're trying to crack the show. No, I'm not deep state. If you're Asian, don't be scared. That was amazing. You're Asian. Just holler. This is the first time in the history of the show in which every question I ask results in me having 25 more questions. Let me start here. How many Asian women have you interviewed on the street? If you had to give us a ballpark, this show that you and your buddy supposedly do or have been doing? So, we came here to Austin about 12 years ago and we did this music video called Asian Girls. And then we went back on YouTube to see if it's copyrighted or who did it, but we can't find it. So, we're going to use it for the theme song. You're going to do a thing called what? We're going to do a show called Asian Girls. But you haven't recorded any yet. Have you recorded? No, we haven't interviewed any Asian girls. We're going to use the footage we shot 12 years ago in Austin. What are the odds? And then we're going to interview some amazing girls. But you haven't done any yet. So, that was you just like letting people know. Say what's up. Are there any Asian women in the audience right now? Turn the red lights up, Kina. Let's see if there's an Asian woman in the crowd that might want to be interviewed. Is there an Asian woman that's willing to come up here and get interviewed by Steven Glenn? Not a single Asian woman. That's a Mexican lady, sir. All right, forget it. Why don't we make believe? Why don't you pretend like Cheryl Underwood is an Asian woman? Oh, no. This isn't even the Asian hair. This is different. But you said 12 years ago. Yeah, we came down here and shot footage for my friend's Mexican version of Mario. He had a car. He painted it. He created the Mexican Mario and we were. What exactly? You're asking me why I'm confused? It's clear as day. 12 years ago, him and his buddy recorded a video for Asian Girls, his buddy as the Mexican, and then they're going to interview girls. Jesus Christ. It's clear as day. What do you mean Mexican Mario? What was the difference between regular Mario and Mexican Mario? Well, he had a poncho. Tony, are we getting played right now? I think we might be. I love it. You need to go audition for Saturday Night Live. Cuz I think you would be amazing. Enjoy the ride. Whatever this was, I love the ride, dude. I had so much fun with this. Please don't go. It's like if you mix crack with Quaaludes. Yes, dude. Have you ever hit your head really hard against something? I'm epileptic. So if you see me flopping around, that's not part of the act. Dude, this is by far the best person I've ever had. I don't know what's real and what's not. You're so funny. I feel like we might be the last ones in on a joke. I feel like you're an actual professional that's goofing around. You have half a clown suit on. Your shirt's still lifted up. You are something else. I love your style. Here's a big joke. Steven Glenn, take a bow. Oh my god, that is something. He almost went the wrong way behind the curtain. That was unbelievable. This show is crazy. That's him as a little kid. That is him as the rapper on Kenneth Copeland. This is all crazy. This is all nuts. We have one final bucket pull that has to follow that, everybody, and they will go by the name of Suede McCoy. One minute uninterrupted from your final bucket pull of the night. Suede McCoy. I'm going to waste part of my minute. What the fuck was that? I almost daisy-duked my shirt coming out this way. That was wild. No, you don't want to see that. It's sad underneath here. Here's my minute. P. Diddy, dude. I know you like him, but I don't like him. I think the worst thing he ever did was music. Hang on. I think if he was better at music, we'd forgive the rest of it. Think about Michael Jackson, dude. They said Michael fucked kids. And he said, and they said, shut up, Macaulay. Shut your stupid mouth. They told Macaulay to beat it. That's bad. On that same note, R. Kelly pissed on women. But P. Diddy didn't pee. Did he? That's called wordplay. Thanks, guys. I'm Suede McCoy. Suede McCoy. How long you been doing standup, buddy? Two years doing standup. I've been acting for like 15 years or so. Really? Have you acted in anything that we've seen? Perhaps an episode of Chuck Norris. I was that guy's stunt double. My dad's in the music industry. He's actually friends with a couple of friends of yours. Rob Schneider was in a music video of his. Okay. But have you acted in anything we could recognize? No, I'm just going to say my dad's doing stuff. I don't do much if I'm honest. I'm not good for a whole lot. All right. So, how do you make a living, Suede? I work for a boot company called Lucchese. Oh, okay. We like Lucchese. The clap sounded good. The boots are going okay. Good boots. How long you worked with them? About three or four years now. I'm more of a Tecovas guy. No, come on. It's okay. Until Lucchese is a sponsor, I am a Tecovas guy. I'll talk to them. Talk to your dad for me, will you? So Suede, tell us more about your life. I grew up in a small town in East Texas and my dad did music for a long time, so I toured for a little while. Is your dad famous? Can you say his name? He's a country singer named Neal McCoy. You guys know Neal McCoy? My Mexicans agree. They know Neal McCoy. He's part Filipino, so the Mexicans and the Asians love him. Neal McCoy, legend. Known professionally as Neal McCoy and previously as Neal McCoy. He changed his name? Yeah, I stole that, too. I'm using the McCoy thing. Look at McCoy, how it's spelled. It's like nine letters long. You can't write that here. Definitely not. Any other fun facts about your life? I lived in LA for about seven years. I left cuz I got robbed at gunpoint. That makes sense. Lost that fight. No cops around, right? No cops until I called them. I've never felt more racist. I'm not racist. Let's start there. I've never felt more racist than when I tried to describe the guys that robbed me to the police. That's hard to do. Wait. What do they look like? Can you describe? We want to hear the description. I couldn't really see. It was really dark outside, but I know they were wearing black hoodies. Very black, very African-American hoodies. Wait a minute. Were the hoodies. Yeah, they both had on Jordan fours. Yeah, those are exclusively for the blacks. Shoes you could dunk in and rob me. What did you say on the 911 call? I said, hey, you got anybody in North Hollywood free? And they said, yeah, why not? Here's the problem. When you call the cops, you want two six-foot-tall white guys with a mustache and muscles to say, which way did they go, and take off running. I got two 5'4 Hispanic ladies that were overweight. And I thought, what are you going to do? Roll after them? How are we catching these guys? The Jordans are going to be really fast. Did this really happen? It did. There's a whole 911 report. I can send it to you. I'll fax it over. Well, you lost me when I thought you were going to say something really good like Compton. North Hollywood. How did your ass get robbed in North Hollywood? Look at me. You can rob this anywhere. You can rob this with an idea. Well, let me give you two things I'm feeling. First of all, you came behind that guy and you did a really good job. The name Suede McCoy is going to be a black guy. No, I knew you was going to be country as hell. I thought you were going to come out here with a guitar and sing. But I think you are a really good person with a great persona. But that robbery joke, if you're going to make those connections where it's kind of us, but it's not us, then you got to make the connection. Cuz when you said North Hollywood, I was like, ah, this didn't get robbed. He wanted to get robbed. Where did it happen? About Lankershim and Magnolia? Yeah. On Victory Boulevard. I was up in Magnolia in those neighborhoods right off Lankershim. You know how I knew that? Cuz the train station's right there. They ran a train on me. Wait. It's just an easy getaway. It's an easy getaway to get on the red line to the blue line and then you're back in Compton again. I wish you'd been the cop, they would have found him. You got to say something better than that. But did you just say they ran a train on you? I meant they ran to a train. What did they get from you? I had just gotten back from a cruise and you carry a lot of cash on a cruise. I had $500 in my wallet, which in LA is a billion dollars. So they took pretty much everything I had. Any other crazy fun facts before letting you go? Not that I can think of. You take standup seriously? How often do you perform? I try to perform at least every week. If you really are serious about it, I would do it almost every day. Try your best. Here's a big joke book. Suede McCoy, Kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen. And now we've reached that part of the show where, boy oh boy, do I have a special monster for you people. This guy is the full-time newest regular. And every single week, he comes out guns ablazing with material that we just can't believe. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the real deal. This is Pat O'Neal. Folks, I support a woman's right to choose and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead. I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion. So, I just bought some red confetti for the gender reveal. Figure that should send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy or, as trans people call it, microdosing. Seriously, folks, if you would have told me like 10 years ago that one day men were actually going to be allowed in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty. Just needed more time. Okay, thank you. Son of a bitch. Every single week he comes in over the top and just absolutely only hits home runs. Pat O'Neal, you've done it again. Thank you, sir. It's incredible. The run that you're on right now is something else. How does it feel, buddy? Pretty good. Just sitting back there for a while while that gay clown was out. Yeah, there's a lot going on. This was a wacky episode. We were waiting on something like you and you brought it home once again. Cheryl Underwood, I want to hear your analysis. This has to be your first time seeing. Mo Phillips on acid. He, to me, I think you have something very irreverent but it has humanity. I don't want you to stop being you. Don't let nobody tell you what you can't do. I've tried not to be a lot. cuz I think you're very, very funny. Thank you so much. Very provocative. I'm just glad to be on your good side after watching all night, honestly. Tom Segura, this is your first time seeing Pat. It is. That was so funny, dude. So fun. It was fun to wrap up the night with fun, solid jokes. I love that they're dark. Please keep going. Thanks. Yeah, Pat O'Neal is on a mission unlike any other. He really encompasses the writing and execution that this show likes to exemplify. Pat, you've done it again. Congratulations. This episode is brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace and Zip Recruiter. Guys, how about one more time? Bad Thoughts out now on Netflix. Season two of one of the most unbelievably compelling, awkward, weird-ass, hilarious shows ever. Congrats, Tom. You're absolutely crushing it with that show. Season two, Bad Thoughts out now. And he's in Oxnard working on new material July 7th and 8th. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Cheryl Underwood? Ladies and gentlemen, "I need a job" tour. Go to packratproductionsinc.com for tickets. She is the first person ever in Netflix roast history to immediately get a special deal after the roast. My special is out on June 9th on Netflix. A man of the people, which is what I am. Often misunderstood. I'll tell you right now, there's a joke on there that is going to be in the news. So, I'm going to be the talk of everything again. This episode brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace and Zip Recruiter. One more time for the best damn band in all the land. You can follow them on Instagram at thekilltonyband. Let's check in and see what Ryan drew tonight. There's a little bit of everything on there. Cheryl Underwood, Tom Segura, I see me, Redban. And let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Pat O'Neal. That's a good one. That is him without a doubt. We are doing Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row. August 7th and 8th. And we are coming to Vegas and Dallas and Houston. Redban. I'm going to San Diego and bring you Pat O'Neal and Rachel Wolfson. AmericanComedyCo.com. We love you guys. God bless this show and God bless the United States of America. Thank you everybody. Good night. Heat. Heat. Heat.